La Vida

twins

2011-10-25T23:43:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YPcWWq7jRQ

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth

before i could learn whose twin i was
your face familiar like a light in the water

just your touch could cure my lonesome blood

you let go of everything you had

and everything got left here waiting for what comes next

the state of things is tied to me

and i've been careless, i think too much

i want to lie still near you, i want to

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth

before i could learn whose twin i was

Simple but true

2011-10-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

I think I need to find a bigger place
because when you have more than you think,
you need more space.

Although I've felt consistently constrained for a while now, this revelation was just made to me (thanks to recent contemplation and the corroboration of Eddie Vedder). I've never felt more alive than when I'm alone and somewhere new. So while I've been sitting motionless in a town all too familiar, I have forgotten what I do have. Me. I forget that while I attempt at making friends who are nothing like me, I have a constant and reassuring justification that all is well in my world. Because I really like who I am, and I have a point of view I wouldn't change for a zillion passing acquaintances. I am happier alone than I am with most other people, and that makes me happy.

But I do need more space. I need NEW space... open space, raw space. Somewhere I can be more alone, or maybe meet myself in other landscapes or other people. Here will do for a while, for a stepping stone, or a crescendo to the more paramount moments of my life.

Living in an open cage

2011-09-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am not unusually frustrated or sad, its just that the infuriating subtleties of living seem to be at the forefront of my mind. Someone once told me I was candidly detached... implying that I took a step back from the degraded and deceptive convolutions of the "real world" and simply smiled. But I can't seem to step away from them now; finding nobody or nothing real in which to find happiness, I fill my life with distractions. I've discovered that jolts and stimuli can make me temporarily happy. But the void consumes nonetheless, and I'm always back to where I was- hoping, wishing, and doing nothing. It seems candid detachment it not an option. It just fills me with hopelessness. I can't seem to find value in living differently in a city where life is caught from a stream. I just feel out of line- out of touch. When I am alone, I remember times when my life was valued, when my thoughts were admired, and it seems like my life now could be a dream. That maybe real life truly is simple, and this pointlessly elaborate mess is a national geographic article of some obscure culture somewhere else in the world. But then someone else comes in the room and it's all changed again. And I live in this reality because I'm afraid that if I step out, I'll be completely alone. I tell myself it's open-ness but its really just fear. And I'm pathetic because I take what I can get. And I feel like swearing all the time.

Ultimately, I feel like I'm living in an open cage; like I'm suffocating, like I need to get out of here. But I don't really know what I would do once I got out.

3 Years

2011-06-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

Knowing all day that I was going to write this blog, for some reason now I feel a want of words. The essence of this post is to say that I miss James Don Warren III as much as I did three years ago when his absence was fresh in my mind. It was three years ago to this date that he passed away. June 1, 2008 was the last day I saw this face.

I didn't know what was to happen on the 2nd. I had no idea that for years I would have to dig myself out of a psychological heap that I started to burrow under the day he died.

As well as remembering the last time I saw his face, I also remember the first. I remember where we were, what he was wearing, and our first conversation: BYU-Hawaii cafeteria, Pink Floyd shirt, music theory and Dostoevsky.

The next semester is when we got close. I remembered feeling hesitancy to become close to him. For the past few days, I've worked this and the following feelings I've had into an analogy. It was like I was turning down a curious road but, upon reaching the end, I was beat up and thrown out of my car. Having awakened in another place, I think about this road constantly, start to understand the curious things I saw, and realize that I had never felt so whole in my life. Amid distractions, I feel a continual and aching desire to get back there. But I know I'll never find that place again.

James was the first to understand me. He was the first to get to that place inside, where only one can get if they know the way. He was limitless in his perceptions. He was the first to make me feel real, justified, right, beautiful, worthwhile.

And he himself is such a beautiful person. Its hard for me to stop using him as my standard. I find that I am attracted to personality traits in people that I first saw in him.

I love him and miss him incredibly. Sometimes I try to convince myself to push out thoughts of him, but then I wonder, how? How can I? His influence is too strong, and I've loved him too much. I want the best parts of him to influence me however they can. When it came to love, he was incredibly capable. When it came to intelligence, I've never met anyone so gifted. When it came to music, he could put many to shame. And when it came to friendship, he was just too good at it for me to forget.

He means so much to me. So here's a humble thanks to him who still occupies my thoughts these three years later. Thank you, James, and rest in peace.

My New Job Rocks

2011-05-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

I hope you appreciate the pun.

Today was quite probably the best work day I've ever had. The morning started with a session by our boss, Johnathon. Explicating all of the goodness I love... this time it was about how our essence, through language, drives our intentions, which in turn drives our behaviors. Our behaviors then in turn have an effect on others. We cannot control the effects they have but we can control our intentions. So when acting, act with the best intentions, and when listening, pay attention to the intent and not necessarily the behavior. When negative, we can choose to not be effected by others' actions!

So from 10:30 on, we traveled out to this lovely beauty:

It's called Prophesy Wall. And we spent the rest of the day climbing it. I did my first multi-pitch climb, and climbed farther than I have before (about 150 ft). I must say it was a "beginner climb", but this fact did not detract from its challenge, and neither from how awesome it was. My instructors/co-workers, BJ and Calvin were super encouraging and oh-so-patient.

Highlights from the day: Zack and Bill tackled a monstrous looking climb that left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed, and Amelia climbed a whole pitch blind-folded!

This is the best 12 hour work day I have EVER had. Mmmhmm.

Soul Meets Body

2011-05-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's time to bring my blog from dormancy.

I've had this song on my mind for a while:

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9JB2ETgatI

So what "where soul meets body" means to me, is that wherever I go, I always feel a need to have my surroundings connect with me. That is where I am happy, where my inner self is meeting its needs as well as my physical self. In Hawaii the ocean, mountains and aloha spirit did this for me. In Israel, it was the beautiful Israeli landscape, as well as my classmates, teachers, and the study of the gospel that helped me find happiness. I feel like I went out of touch with my soul for a few weeks when I came back to Utah, but now I feel happiness coming back to me.

I just got a job at Zion Adventure Company.

For the past few days, I've been hiking to get to know Zion and meeting amazing people. Today our boss went over some philosophy that made me feel even more happy. It is this: completeness. That you and I are complete beings, that we add on noble characteristics to our beings to make our actions honorable, and that no matter what, the pressure that we feel on the outside can't change what is great about ourselves. We are complete, and completely impervious. I can't explain how happy I am to work for someone so uplifting.

Zion Adventure Company is the place for me.

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie Lyrics:

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

i got a little love...

2010-11-13T00:15:00.000-08:00

Help me to be humble
Help me to be better
Help me to not be bitter
Help me to LOVE.

I found myself praying this... it seems like when I am talking to God I am always wisest. It is when I realize that my problems don't stem from others, they stem from my inability to love others fully, or my inability to take heartache with a grain of salt. Although my heart is aching with a dull, smoldering sort of pain, there are times where I find a solace in this kind of discomfort. It means I can love. Its insistent presence sometimes turns me bitter, and I realize it is time to give this up. (Help me to give this up...)

This song was playing as I was blogging. It kind of seemed like God was singing through my speakers...

"You gotta spend some time, Love.

You gotta spend some time with me.

And I know that you'll find love

I will possess your heart."

exclusion.

2010-11-12T03:04:00.000-08:00

I see your loyalty, your passionate, endearing loyalty. It's beautiful, and blatant, and bewilderingly cognizant. They love you for it, your demeaning and unsophisticated devotion. How secure, how safe you are! What a fantastic system of unfailing support! Stay alive, stay emboldened in them forever. Keep hold of this eternal, obsessive, blindingly fervent adoration. You will never be alone, and you will never understand beauty.

To Kaika Lindsey

2010-11-10T04:01:00.000-08:00

Hidden in a human montage, you separate yourself. Immersed in the beautiful array of trust and yearning, you are the enhancement of these ecstatic attachments. Keep that exuberant smile; I feel more at home as a straggler. Leave me to look up, with a sense of emotional purity, and I will suffer, satisfied, under the daunting stars.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME???

2010-11-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

YUCK.

I sit in my room, I sit in the library, I sit wherever, in front of a computer screen for hours!
Constantly moving a foot or a bouncing my leg.
Thoughts racing through my mind
My finger
clicking from picture to picture
Link to link
Looking for something, anything to process
Sitting so long because I should be reading
Or writing
Or learning something
But I can't. I can't concentrate.
Now I'm not deep,
I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or great.
I'm just a speeding vegetable,
Clicking clicking clicking
Accomplishing nothing.
Maybe instead, I will take a bus somewhere
or go on a long run,
My homework will still not be done,
But at least I'll be interesting.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

2010-10-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

Funny thing is I don't really know what that quote is from.

Anyway, it is super nice when after feeling estranged, somewhat confused,

Weird, not the same kind of funny as everyone else,

And after feeling like this is the loop (traces a loop with her finger)

And this is me (points to a dot far outside that loop)

It is super nice to have someone like my good friend Rodo ask,

"Why aren't you here in Houston?

Why aren't I in Hawaii?

I really need to meet more people like you."

Makes me feel like I am not so strange, and that to some people

I'm seen as something like the cream of the crop.

Love that. Good thing I have Rodo.

He made my day.

Waiting...

2010-10-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel a weight on my chest.

Like my body is being pushed up against some kind of invisible plane.

Like I can't fully breathe, and the air I take in is stale, and recycled.

Like there is not enough oxygen getting to my brain.

Like a silent rage is building behind my eyes.

But all power is ceded to my situation.

And all will improve if I close my eyes,

Accept,

And wait.

Two Great Men

2010-10-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

This summer, I met a man. He took care of me and others. He loved to have fun with us, but more than anything he simply loved us. He spent time on us, he spent money on us. He was happy. He knew the ugliness in the world. He knew, but he would just keep smiling. I got some time to talk to him. It was late, he had been busy, his stomach was growling, but he was still smiling.

Today, I met another man. Outside his office stood roughly fifteen young people. Half of them needed to see him. None of them had to get lucky, time was found for all. Even more called. The secretaries, unaware of these appointments, booked more for the same times. He worked around it. He worked around church, ward council, temple council, and still met with more after a fireside. He will meet with more tomorrow.

I got my time with him. I had met him once, but he remembered my face, and remembered my name. His eyes were tired. He gave me a hug. I could tell he was happy. He made me feel happy.

Must I mention how blessed I feel to have these great men in my life? They must be worked to their wits end with a seemingly endless list of things to do. But nothing is more worth it to them than to sit down and talk with someone like me. Their wisdom and their love for me and others is truly amazing.

In my mind, there is a difference between a good man and a great man. These men are truly great. I feel like they love me the way Christ loves me. And I know that is because they always keep Him in their hearts.

Third Eye Blind

2010-10-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

What if life was simply the time we had to weave ourselves into one eternal existence, so as a collective human soul we all had the capacity to reach some ecstatic end? What if there was a sweet and succulent Fruit which each person endlessly longed for? What if, with every thought one had, every word one uttered, and every interaction with another soul, this fruit reflected brightly in a still and focused eye? What if this focus was so sharp that earthly appetites were dissolved, mood was merely conceptual, and anything perceived was done so by an augmented reason able to transcend and retranslate the earthly?

I'm sure we would all be a lot more calm. We would have less to worry about, less to get angry over, less to get offended by.

The third eye is "the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness". It is the capacity to see who we really are: spirits with a potential for godliness, and see what we are really surrounded with: God and eternity. It is the ability to see the end; the glorious Fruit: eternal life.

Some of us, you could say, have been sleepwalking. We are unaware; third eye blind. I know I have been so for a long time, and have engaged in a constant struggle to raise an eyelid weary from a lifetime of sleep, and to raise a soul from a lifetime submerged in dreams.

New Blog

2010-10-04T02:13:00.000-07:00

So I changed my blog.

This has taken me hours and hours. I am so blog in-adept.

I just want people to experience blog envy when they look at my page. Perhaps that is a bit prideful. In anycase, I am way too picky.

This blog will most likely change tomorrow.

North...

2010-08-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

Standing outside the Salt Lake City temple last week, I overheard a woman talking to her son. She said,

"Now here's something not everyone notices about the temple. Look above the second window. You'll see the big dipper." She was right.

Later I asked a friend why this was. He said he didn't know the original reason why they put this on the temple, but that President Hinckley once gave a talk using the same idea. He explained how this constellation pointed to the North Star, and how in our lives we should always be facing true North, which is our Savior Jesus Christ.

Well, the past few days I have been thinking about the direction my life will be going. This idea of heading North rested in the back of my mind until I listened to an R.E.M. song today. The song, called "Stand", goes like this.

Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before.

If you are confused check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

I think the general direction of my life has been mastered by my wishes of the moment, which is wishing for my best friends to never leave me. But reason doesn't always agree with my wishes, and in order to position myself to face true North, I have to sometimes let the wishes go.

I think its about time to let reason rule my life's direction.

Drab.

2010-08-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

It is no wonder I didn't realize I have been sitting in the dark. I guess it created the perfect sort of ambience to accomodate my internal distractions. That clouding feeling around me in accordance with the steady monotony of rainfall on the roof has created a breeding ground for my thoughts.

I have been logging on to Facebook way too much today. I keep zoning out when people talk to me. I find that I'm annoyed with the people on the train, and the people on Facebook. Every once in a while I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Because of the rain, I can't go out for the daily walk I take during lunch. I might as well just sit here and let the thoughts and disturbances have their way with me.

Unintentional ... whatever.

2010-08-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

So I was in the middle of a completely different entry that was probably a lot more articulate and thought out than this one is going to be. But the mood got killed, and I still feel like blogging.

I have so much to say... so much on my mind. Since it would take an eternity to make a particular entry about each thing I have been thinking about, maybe I'll just make a list here.

- My mother, wishing I could be there while she recovers from surgery
- Kind of wondering if I am doing things right, wondering if people are mad at me
- I've been dreaming about gigantic marine life that act strangely... like giant fish that stalk people out of water and sharks and whales with nasty teeth
- My new relationship with Riley
- Missing my past.
- Ew. Ouch. That last one just started to hurt a little more. There are a few people so close to my heart that I feel like are gone.
- My internship at Catholic Community Services. I feel like I am starting to love it. Its been amazing and eye opening.
- My progression. I feel like when it comes to spirituality and self-security, that this summer has been a leap forward.

- My gratitude for an amazing ward and an amazing bishop.
- My gratitude for a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful with eyes that mean it.

Ugh. I feel like I am full of so much emotion that I just can't get out. Just so much that I'm feeling. This entry kind of blows. Feel free to disregard this post. It didn't really serve its purpose, because I still feel like........

yelling?
crying?
sleeping?

Good night!

New Friends!

2010-07-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

This is me and my new friend Riley Stock

This is my new friend Kelly

And her husband, my new friend Nick

Okay, maybe this is a better picture of Kelly and Nick...

We all went to this rodeo together!

As you can see, it was Fiesta Days. Which meant we got to see a lot of authentic dancing. We kept yelling for more. Arriba!

Afterward we made milkshakes and Nick and Kelly's. Their apartment is pretty awesome. Wait, THEY'RE pretty awesome! They gave us a fantastic tour of 11-X, showed us cool pictures, and let us eat their wedding cake!

Thanks Riley, Nick, and Kelly for a great first rodeo and Siesta I mean Fiesta Day!

Rahh!

2010-07-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

That was me roaring from frustration slash internal conflict.

I just miss everything. And everyone. I really miss James Warren. I miss his witty humor, I miss his originality, his way of staying above the current. I miss how he made me feel different, important, beautiful. How I wanted to be greater because of him. I miss him so much. He was brilliant and bizarre and original and great. He was full of intense, self-sacrificing love. He taught me a lot of things which I seem to forget too often.

Thinking of him reminds me of the kind of person I once vowed to be. Someone patient, full of love, self-sacrificing, appreciative, disciplined, without judgement. Well versed in music and literature. Someone inventive and open. And overall someone with a wide perspective.

Perhaps this is a combination of both listening to sigur ros and talking to a friend, but while writing I am starting to feel more calm. I have been working on myself recently and I feel like I have been blessed with a great internship, a great new ward, a more friendly personality, and the feeling of progression. Focusing on myself spiritually has brought some pretty sweet benefits.

I still miss the influence that James had in my life. And I think it is the greatest shame that he still isn't here to inspire people, love people, and make people laugh.

But I am also glad for the love of my friends who are still here. Even new friends who have already shown me a supporting hand. Life is still hard and confusing, but I guess thats what faith is for.

Change

2010-06-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

So I read a good inspirational poster at work tody. I think it's kind of corny that an inspirational poster actually inspired me. Anyway, it said,

CHANGE: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn.

I remember a friend I used to have would always tell me how much he hated change, and I always thought that he must have a pretty boring life. So I've got to be grateful for it, even though it's hard.

Thinking back to when I moved to Hawaii and forward, my life has been constantly full of change. There have been times where- now to be super corny- life was a highway and I wanted to ride it all night long. And there have been times where turning that bend was too hard, and I just wanted the road to end.

So here is a quick review of the last three years, and the changes I went through.

First was moving to Hawaii:

I was so afraid I wasn't going to make any friends. But look how excited I was when I did! I became a part of an awesome team, met a lot of cool people, and made myself at home in Hawaii and in my new major in school.

I made and lost an influential friend:

I remember the first moment I saw this kid, and I remember our following conversation well. It was the first conversation of many to come, some lasting all night, some which I didn't fully understand, and most making me think in new ways. He was gifted, and I was lucky to know him. He passed away the next June, and it was the hardest summer yet for me. But I got over it, like I never thought I would. I got through the change.

Then after returning to school, a new boyfriend, a breakup, and leaving again, I travelled abroad on my own:

I went to the Dominican Republic and got to stay at a couple orphanages and play with kids, as well as teaching English. It was so fun, and I got to try out my spanish (although at times the kids would get frustrated and tell me I didn't speak Spanish). I made more friends, swam in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, and ate way too many fried plantains.

After returning to my island home, I made one of the best friends I've ever had:

Although our relationship status was a little ambiguous, which made things hard, I always knew I would have a rockin day if I just called him up. Over the course of these two semesters and a term, we have had way too many Hawaiian adventures together, and have laughed and danced way too much. Ok, maybe not too much :)

But change has happened once again. I'm living in Utah, it is June and freezing outside, I am an intern in a real world organization, and for friends, I am back to square one. Its been a pretty hard transition for me to be Hawaii-less, Jimmy-less, and to have real world responsibilities. I guess you could say that before I was pretty spoiled. Here's for growing up, I guess.

The point is, that however it works out, I am confidant I can make this turn. Looking at my past gives me hope for my future. Its simply a new bend in the road and I am happy that I get to do it amidst family and with opportunities that will help me grow.

Walk Away

2010-06-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

They say time will make all this go away,
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that risin sun is droppin down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do, but so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away.

Blerapy? Or maybe, Thog?

2010-05-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

OK, so "blog" and "therapy" don't mix well. But the point is I tend to blog when I feel sunk, tired, crazy, and frustrated beyond belief.

On the surface, the reason is because I have a 10 page research paper to write, two presentations this week, three finals to study for and take, a plane ticket to buy (with $18 in my bank account?), a room to pack up and a house to clean by next Wednesday. My house is tiny, my roommates are mean and immature AND one of my housemates has been eating my ice cream sandwiches (I hope they made her sick!). I also have hardly any food, and I can't see well because I can't afford to buy new contacts.

So that's it on the surface, but there's so much more. There is a deeper well that I only tap into on occasion, or else it all comes gushing out as tears and headaches and 12 hour nights of sleep. It is the goodbye. The possibly more than temporary goodbye to my best friend. We were terrible for each other, and we were great for each other, we confused each other, but I think more than anything, we loved each other. Was it love love, like love, like like, or just plain like? I don't really know. This coming summer is there for us to find out. Its been a crazy roller coaster ride, but the thing I know above all else is that this summer I'll miss you; I already do.

Thats the biggest bucket out of my well. Secondly, how am I going to handle walking out of my door and not seeing the ocean? Not playing in the sparkling big waves at Waimea bay on the weekends? Not getting drenched by sudden bursts of rain? Not swimming amongst tropical fish and sea turtles? Where will my ocean be? Where will my Ocearapy be? My Thocean?

Third bucket: the same common, ever-enduring, insecurities. When will I ever be good enough for myself? I wish I were more disciplined and nicer to those I love. I wish I could love people more easily. I wish I wasn't subject to my emotional mood swings, and I wish I could focus more on what's important. I want to be righteous and a good example. Instead I seem to be self-conscious, uncontrolled, and insecure. Help?

I know this has all been building up over the past few semesters, but I feel like it just punched me in the gut. Brand New seems to have to have the words for it tonight

"I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself because I make things hard
and you're just trying to help.
I got no gas.
I'm winding out my gears.
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts.
And my health is a joke.
Now I got to stop because the headphones broke."

I really do just want to cry. I feel no motivation for school anymore. I want to go home, but I want to stay in Hawaii. I want to move on, but I want my best friend. I'm stuck. And I hate it.

"What they call love is a risk to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own."

"No te ahogas"

2010-03-15T20:24:00.001-07:00

I have been DROWNING in school work lately. There has been so much... I have to neglect some classes just to complete assignments in others. I feel like I have been struggling all semester. I reached an emotional apex this weekend where all the frustration came out in angry tears.

But I am grateful to be here, and I am grateful for my wonderful professors. After failing a quiz in my Spanish literature class, I wrote in the right answers and handed it in, having marked everything wrong and writing "Lo siento... no lei la cuenta" (Sorry, I didn't read the story).

My paper was handed back with a "10" on the top, and a note that said, "No te ahogas. Haz lo que puedes. Hoy dia cuando lo esfuerza de otros por lleva a todo adelante."

It means, "Don't drown. Do what you can. Today is a day when the strength of others carries all forward."

What a relief it is to receive such kindness from a professor. He has also talked to me individually after class, reassuring me that, even if I felt like I was drowning, that I was in the right place.

I still feel like I am drowning in school, but it is nice to know that at least one of my professors understands and is always there with helpful reassurance.

Three and a half weeks left in the semester. Here goes a hearty effort to get back to the surface...

La Saeta

2010-03-12T20:16:00.001-08:00

Today in my Spanish literature class we learned of a famous Spanish poet named Antonio Machado. His poem called "La Saeta" has really stayed with me today. Here it is, with a rough translation from me and the help I could get on the internet.

Dijo una voz popular:
Said a popular voice:
Quien me presta una escalera
Who will lend me a ladder
para subir al madero
to climb the cross
para quitarle los clavos
to take out the nails
a Jesus el Nazareno?
from Jesus the Nazarene?

Oh, la saeta, el cantar
Oh, the arrow, the song
al Cristo de los gitanos
to Christ of the gypsies
siempre con sangre en las manos
always with blood on his hands
siempre por desenclavar.
always there for taking out the nails.
Cantar del pueblo de andaluz
Song of the Andalusion people
que todas las primaveras
that every spring
anda pidiendo escaleras
walk asking for ladders
para subir a la cruz
so they may climb the cross

Cantar de tierra mia
Song of my land
que echa flores
That throws flowers
al Jesus de la agonia
At Jesus in agony
y es la fe de mis mayores
and this is the faith of my elders
!Oh, no eres tu mi cantar
Oh, this is not my song
no puedo cantar, ni quiero
I can't sing, neither do I want to
a este Jesus del madero
to this Jesus on the cross
sino al que anduvo en el mar!
but instead to He who walked on the sea!

I am so grateful that Jesus passed through the suffering he did for us. But I will look to Him forever as my savior who lives! Like Machado, this is my song and my faith.

Here is a link to the song form of this poem performed by Joan Manuel Serrat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHwhhVWoFJI

Trololololo....

2010-03-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

Today's will be a post about things that have made my day.

First is what made my day yesterday. I was on a drive with my lovely dear friend Jimmy. We were arguing and such like we do occasionally... and after some yelling and some hurt feelings I heard the lady on the radio say my name... and then I heard Jimmy's voice!! He had called and told her a bogus story of how we had just gotten engaged and that I was the love of his life... bladah bladah blah. Although none of this was true, he did it to surprise me and to make me laugh!! What a good bestie I have!! It was a lot harder to be mad at him, and we ended up having a fun night!

Now for what made my day today. This website: http://trololololololololololo.com
This easily made my day 10,000 x better.

And something that has been making my day a lot this week... my tent! From which I am now blogging. Now that I have my trusty lantern I may never have to go back inside!

Happy Friday!!!

What's left to lose?

2010-02-19T00:12:00.000-08:00

"What's left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but I gave it shot. These last three years, I know they've been hard. But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun... even if it's alone".

-On Your Porch by The Format

Sigh.

This happens every semester. But as the semesters keep coming, it is only getting worse.

It is such a terribly beautiful utilization of way too many of my emotions. I feel, all at once, the culmination of all that has happened, all I currently experience , and all that I know (and fear) will end.

I swear it is something about February! Fall semesters start out lonely, but given patience time brings me something so completely gratifying but yet so fragile... so much so I can not think about it without aching, because by now I know how my years work: it will break.

I am talking of nothing in particular, but just my general state of emotion. I am so happy. I come home to my clean condo with on the beach lighted with Christmas lights, and my roommates who I dance with like crazy on a regular basis. Every day I walk outside and feel the pacific sunshine. It is Winter and I am warm. This place is magic. Just the sound or sight of the ocean can calm me like nothing else can. I have a good job with co-workers I know and like. I go to a University I love with a major I swear was conferred upon me from the heavens (I love it). I still don't understand how I graduated, high school and instantly came to the most beautiful place in the world and got thrown into learning about things I love. It all seems too good to have been true. And mostly, I have the best friend in the entire world. Someone to adventure with, someone to fight and love with, someone to tell things to. I don't know why it is happening so soon, but I am already starting to feel the pain of it all ending.

Soon I'll leave this beautiful place and I won't learn from my favorite professors anymore. There will be no backyard ocean and mountain ranges, no more glowing blue plankton or jumping off the point. There will be no more crazy nights with these roomies of mine. And whats more sad and more imminent, my best friend will leave.

I can't freakin get this Third Eye Blind song out of my head: "How's it going to be when you don't know me? How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there? How's it going to be when there's no one there to talk to?"

Its too hard to think about. But yet this- all of this- I want it to end, whichever way it has to. School is so hard, and I don't know if I can take this cycle every year. These past few years contain some of the best and worst memories of my life.

So really now, what's left to lose? I've done enough. I'll finish these college years up and if I somehow fail, well, at least I gave them a shot. These past few years have been really hard, but now it's almost time to get out and get into the sun... even if it's alone.

may myself do nothing usefully

2010-02-16T22:34:00.001-08:00

Perhaps the reason I love poems and books is because no matter how much I feel I am so uniquely strange, and that no one person can understand my complex feelings, I tend to find that some author, somewhere, has felt the same way. Anyhow, this is how I'm feeling.

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e. cummings

So he pretty much summed up my thoughts/feelings that I've been having for a while. I want to be "open to little birds", because to hear them is better than to know. It is better than to enjoy the God-given blessings of such a beautiful world, and to wonder at the intracacies of life, than to fill my head with so many useless facts about why the world works the way it does. This reminds me of Walt Whitman's "When I heard the learn'd astronomer":

When I heard the learn'd astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was own the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tid and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

And as cummings says, if men refuse to just listen than we are old. There is a need for mystery and awe in the world. I feel as if the desire to know truth simply leads us to both the discovery of brute fact, and frustration when the search proves fruitless. Why not accept the truth we have before us? Which is that life is a complex, confusing, and strangely beautiful mosaic of infinite truths? We might as well, because we can never really figure everything out. Mystery is an endless frontier, and it will prevail. The attempt to thwart its essence will only turn our hair gray.

I also always want to be learning, but about the things I am hungry for. Not necessarily to figure out why, but how. I want to walk in the channels of my own thoughts as I peruse them with a burning question; not sit as I am taught all that is necessary and right to learn. A prominent thing I have learned so far in life is that I don't really know much at all. And as I learn more that space will just expand (this I know). I am reminded of a dialogue with a certain friend, as we discussed a recent event: he told me "Don't keep asking yourself why, because whatever conclusion you come to accept will most likely be wrong anyway". So I won't ask why. I will ask how, and in what ways. This is the secret to living, and this will keep me young!

For the last part... this is what really exemplifies my feelings. May I do nothing usefully! May I not learn what the learn'd astronomer knows. May I not know why. May I not pick up a textbook. May I just sit and be lazy, and simply just think, and most importantly love. Another prominent thing I have learned is that human relationships are the apex of human experience and of happiness. The conclusion of Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild is "happiness is only real when shared". And what better conclusion when the purpose of God is to bring about our happiness. So by the world's standard's, e.e. cummings has failed because he hasn't done something usefully (just nothing usefully). But he still has awe, knows the secret to living, and pulls the sky (the beautiful, awe-inspiring, great gift of the sky), over him with in happiness. So he has fulfilled God's primary purpose.

This blog is just another way of saying I am tired of incessant schoolwork and requirements. I would rather do nothing usefully than fulfill requirements usefully. There are still ways to learn and be fulfilled, and live a happy life in your own channels. However, I am very grateful for my school. It is the best, and I have the best major I could have asked for. I think I am just getting burnt out. These are just some recent thoughts I've had as I struggle through my second-to-last semester, looking forward to summer and next to graduation with anticipation.

I Love You Best Friend!

2010-02-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

A long long time ago, in the year of 2008, I met this kid:

I remember clearly the happy energy he carried around with him, and how nice he was to everybody! (I still can't walk with him on campus without him being attacked by his fan club).

In Fall of 2009, it became time for our friendship to blossom into a wonderful, beautiful, best friendship. I didn't think I was significant in his mind to get him to spend time with me, among all his other friends, but somehow I got in! We danced like crazy together at a Na Drua concert, and since then we have never... stopped... dancing!

We've had many more wonderful adventures together. Among some of the first were swimming out to an island in Kailua, conquering the crazy waves and ocean spray at Waimea Bay, and taking the plunge (off of Laie Point, that is).

Jimmy is an accomplished Accounting major/Canoe pusher at the PCC. He graduates sometime this year, and will starting up a plasma donation center in Idaho. He enjoys dancing like a crazy man, jumping off high cliffs, writing business plans, and listening to the band Fun. He has also recently taken up mechanics... what a man!

I am so grateful to have Jimmy as my best friend. He has had to deal with my hyper moods (especially in public), among many other things. He has always been there to make me feel special, to read my papers, to dance on tables, and to show me that he cares.

If anything, I want YOU to know Jimmy, how much I love you. These past few months have been roller coaster crazy, but I wouldn't have rather spent them with anybody but you.

Birthday and Halloween!!

2009-11-13T10:39:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since my last blog!! Here you go Jen, now you don't ever have to call me!! Haha, just kidding.

So it was my birthday October 22 and I am officially out of my teenage years. Woot woot! Fortunately I remembered my camera for my birthday adventures... unfortunately I forgot the battery. But here's what I got...

I came home after midnight to a house decorated just for me!!
My roommates bought me a fake mustache (so I could be Freddy Mercury for Halloween), chocolate cake, and chocolate covered raisins!! Mmmmm....

The next day I had no school or work, so my friend Jimmy and I got out for a day of adventure!! We went to Kailua Beach Park, one of my favorite places on the island. People kayak out to the little islands there, but we had no kayak... so we swam!! This is my adventure buddy Jimmy, and our awesome swim we did.
It was a fun day full of swimming, Jamba Juice, and radio dedications. I had an awesome birthday!

And I am so happy my roommates made it possible for me to be Freddy Mercury for Halloween. Unfortunately I am a bit too embarrassed to post pictures of my costume, but watch
this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hMrY8jysdg and I'm sure you can fill in the blanks...

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

Fall Semester Starts is Here!

2009-09-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

So Fall Semester has finally arrived! There has been a massive influx of students, especially new students. It's definitely different than First Term....

My First Term grades were OK. I got an A in Organizational Communication, a B in Western Culture, and a P (pass) in Personal Technology. Good enough for me!

Here is a picture of a dance that went on Friday.

I'm actually only friends with one of these kids, but oh well. Saturday was just full of laundry and homework. My major (International Cultural Studies- Communications) gives massive amounts of readings!!!

Anyway, happy Sunday!

Kokua Eat-In and Film Screening

2009-09-07T20:32:00.001-07:00

Aloha folks!

This weekend the Kokua Foundation came to our school to host an Eat-In, where locals came and shared healthy organic food. Slow Food USA was there; it was also a push to get healthy foods into the schools. Students in Free Enterprise (SIFE) an organization I just joined, was helping also. They had biodegradable utensils, plates, and cups! Jack Johnson showed up with his family (I'm standing next to him in the picture). I got to interview his wife, Kim Johnson, and play with his kids, Moe and Leo, along with a lot of the other local kids.

We watched a film called FoodInc., and informational film about where our food really comes from. It is a very well put together film, but (as with most films of this sort) you have to be careful about exaggerations that stem from the film's bias.

I love SIFE so far! I have already been able to participate in the Kokua project, a project gathering and sending school supplies to Fiji (we sorted over 3,000 books), and we are working on helping a homeless shelter, H5, which I got to visit.

P.S. The term ends in two days, Big Island here I come!

Did You Know?

2009-08-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

We watched this in my organizational communications class... its (mostly) about the exponential increase in information and information technology. I suggest watching it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpEnFwiqdx8&feature=fvst

Here I am at last!

2009-08-25T02:40:00.001-07:00

I know my absence has probably worn on all of you, for that I apologize.

I will write of my latest struggle of living as a poor and destitute college student. For the first of my afflictions, my beloved 1985 Honda Accord with 260,000 plus miles has surprisingly broken down. Although he still runs, he is bed-ridden and we don't believe he will last long. This leaves me living 4 miles from the school with only my old bike (which is now a compilation of 3 separate bikes) to rely on. Sigh. So I started riding to and from school and I can say I have a significant dolor de la caboose, and I also have to ride home around 11:00 p.m., with no lights for a portion of the ride home and no breaks. Not to mention Hau'ula isn't exactly a friendly atmosphere at night.

But at least I'm getting some extra exercise... and now I'm socializing more because I am trying to get as many rides as possible... Oh, and I've had a few occurances that have restored my faith in mankind. On Sunday (when I was attempting to walk 4 miles to church) a nice man and his son picked me up- even though they were going the other way- and dropped me off. And the other night I was riding home when it was late, not to mention I was pretty tired, and suddenly there was this guy (who I swear I just saw at Foodland) on the other side of the road yelling "Girl power! Girl power!" Haha. What a nice guy! If you ever see some girl toiling with all her might to get home in the middle of the night I recommend yelling "girl power" at her, it makes one feel good.

Anywho, I feel like giving some valuable cultural insight. I found a new composer I like, his name is Philip Glass. I believe he composes for orchestra and string instruments, including piano. I would look him up right now but I'm pretty sleepy. Just listen to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kjBZJ1-bok

And, without a doubt, Eric Whitacre is worthy of your time. He composes choral and orchestral pieces. AND he has written choral music to the poems of e.e. cummings, who is by far the most creative and boundless soul I have yet seen in poetry. Those songs are (at least the ones I have discovered) are little tree, i will wade out, hope faith life love, i thank You God for most this amazing day. And he also has written to Octavio Paz, whom I adore; A boy and a girl and Water Night (both translated).

Go to www.ericwhitacre.com and you can play some nifty MP3s. Goodnight all!!

Whatever you are, be a good one.

2009-08-18T02:56:00.001-07:00

So I got my old job back as an Athletics Laundry Worker. I tried very hard to get a more impressive job when I came back to Hawaii, but no dice. I only got one interview and they chose someone else. But behold, I am not discouraged!

I have noticed that even going back to my old job is different, and that I am different, even. I have to do a lot of scheduling with the coaches whereas before I kind of just let my supervisor plan and I just coasted through my already pathetically easy work. But I have turned over a new leaf. Even though I be just a mere laundry worker, I have decided to wash and fold to the best of my ability. I am going to go above and beyond the average laundry worker's duties, dignifying myself within this calling and taking pride in what I do! I even added it as my profession on LinkedIn.

So I might be dramatizing this a bit, but I felt really good after work today. Having recently learned how to use Microsoft Excel from my IS 91 class, I made my own schedules. And I folded a lot of laundry that I didn't really need to. The point is I'm trying to be better in my more-boring-than-average job. It reminded me of the quote that I carried on my binder in high school, one from Abraham Lincoln I believe -"Whatever you are, be a good one". Man, I'm going to be one dang good laundry worker!

I just realized that this blog is probably pretty boring and I only have three followers. I am going to commit to being a better blogger. Ha! Good night everyone.

YSA Conference

2009-08-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

This is a catch up for yesterday. I traveled down with a friend and his ward to the Youth Single's conference in Honolulu (about 1 hr away). This weekend has been so sunny and beautiful, so even though the ride down was really nice (although I slept most of the way). When we pulled up to the tabernacle I almost thought it was a temple because it is so beautiful!!

The tabernacle has such an incredible atmosphere. The hallways are open air, and even the chapel had countless doors so it could be open air too, if it really wanted to. The chapel had rows of pews on either side of the pulpit as well as in front.

The service was really nice. It was cool to see all of the single adults on the whole island! It started out with music, and I was blown away by the super suave polynesian trio that sang. Along with the next music ensemble, I was pretty much more than satisfied with the music portion.

The best part, I would say, was when an old blind Japanese man (I forgot his name), got up to the pulpit to give a talk. He was so funny! He pulled out some super thick "reading glasses" so he could "see" us. He also played the piano, and he played so beautifully! It goes to show how obstacles are often there so they can be overcome. Not only could he play the piano, but he could entertain and speak to an audience he couldn't even see. My favorite line of his "My wife complains that when I go to the piano a lot of you can't see me. Well I just think, we're even then!"

After the service we walked around town and stumbled upon two beautiful churches. We noticed the larger one was erected in 1891. It was such a pretty pretty day in Honolulu!

Whatever, its late.

2009-08-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: It is 12:37 and I am incoherent and possibly crazy. But I have made a commitment to consistenly do this blog thing, so I thought I'd share a few things.

First of all, this is a t-shirt on amazon.com that got a lot of customer reviews. I recommend reading the comments, they are hilarious. http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Mens-Three-Short-Sleeve/product-reviews/B002HJ377A/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt_sr_5?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addFiveStar

Second of all, there is no second of all. I had more things to say but alas, its late. I'll be asleep as soon as my head hits.. the.. pi... zzz.

So this is Blog

2009-08-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

I failed to realize at first what the consequences of making a blog are. It made me choose a picture, a catchy title, and a description of the blog that is supposed to sum up all the junk that will come from my fingertips. So just a tip: if you know me don't completely judge me by this blog, and if you don't know me then please take into consideration that I am not a person in virtual form but a living being that can be very different in real life. As this page is basically a representative of me (and my sisters and sis-in-laws will probably just read this instead of calling me) I just want to point out how hard it is to really represent oneself in a form such as this one. There will be thousands of things I never touch on, and thousands of moods and thoughts that will be surpassed on my way to the keyboard. Keep in mind I am writing to an audience, so I am also sub-consciously altering the things in my head to be presentable and probably to make me look good. Anyway, whatever you read here, its up for you to grab and interpret. I'm not a big fan of posting personal details of myself on the internet, so this will probably just be ramblings and musings. Lucky you!! Anyway, I hope this won't be a complete waste of your time, and that maybe you'll smile or get angry about or contemplate something I said. Ciao!