twins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YPcWWq7jRQ

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth 

before i could learn whose twin i was
your face familiar like a light in the water 

just your touch could cure my lonesome blood 

you let go of everything you had

and everything got left here waiting for what comes next

 the state of things is tied to me 

and i've been careless, i think too much 

i want to lie still near you, i want to 

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth 

before i could learn whose twin i was

Simple but true

I think I need to find a bigger place
because when you have more than you think,
you need more space.

Although I've felt consistently constrained for a while now, this revelation was just made to me (thanks to recent contemplation and the corroboration of Eddie Vedder).  I've never felt more alive than when I'm alone and somewhere new.  So while I've been sitting motionless in a town all too familiar, I have forgotten what I do have.  Me.  I forget that while I attempt at making friends who are nothing like me, I have a constant and reassuring justification that all is well in my world.  Because I really like who I am, and I have a point of view I wouldn't change for a zillion passing acquaintances. I am happier alone than I am with most other people, and that makes me happy.

But I do need more space.  I need NEW space... open space, raw space.  Somewhere I can be more alone, or maybe meet myself in other landscapes or other people.  Here will do for a while, for a stepping stone, or a crescendo to the more paramount moments of my life.  

Living in an open cage

Tonight I am not unusually frustrated or sad, its just that the infuriating subtleties of living seem to be at the forefront of my mind.  Someone once told me I was candidly detached... implying that I took a step back from the degraded and deceptive convolutions of the "real world" and simply smiled.  But I can't seem to step away from them now; finding nobody or nothing real in which to find happiness, I fill my life with distractions.  I've discovered that jolts and stimuli can make me temporarily happy.  But the void consumes nonetheless, and I'm always back to where I was- hoping, wishing, and doing nothing.  It seems candid detachment it not an option.  It just fills me with hopelessness.  I can't seem to find value in living differently in a city where life is caught from a stream.  I just feel out of line- out of touch.  When I am alone, I remember times when my life was valued, when my thoughts were admired, and it seems like my life now could be a dream.  That maybe real life truly is simple, and this pointlessly elaborate mess is a national geographic article of some obscure culture somewhere else in the world.  But then someone else comes in the room and it's all changed again.  And I live in this reality because I'm afraid that if I step out, I'll be completely alone. I tell myself it's open-ness but its really just fear.  And I'm pathetic because I take what I can get.  And I feel like swearing all the time.

Ultimately, I feel like I'm living in an open cage; like I'm suffocating, like I need to get out of here.  But I don't really know what I would do once I got out.

3 Years

Knowing all day that I was going to write this blog, for some reason now I feel a want of words.  The essence of this post is to say that I miss James Don Warren III as much as I did three years ago when his absence was fresh in my mind.  It was three years ago to this date that he passed away.  June 1, 2008 was the last day I saw this face.

I didn't know what was to happen on the 2nd.  I had no idea that for years I would have to dig myself out of a psychological heap that I started to burrow under the day he died.

As well as remembering the last time I saw his face, I also remember the first.  I remember where we were, what he was wearing, and our first conversation:  BYU-Hawaii cafeteria, Pink Floyd shirt, music theory and Dostoevsky.

The next semester is when we got close.  I remembered feeling hesitancy to become close to him.  For the past few days, I've worked this and the following feelings I've had into an analogy.  It was like I was turning down a curious road but, upon reaching the end, I was beat up and thrown out of my car.  Having awakened in another place, I think about this road constantly, start to understand the curious things I saw, and realize that I had never felt so whole in my life.  Amid distractions, I feel a continual and aching desire to get back there.  But I know I'll never find that place again.

James was the first to understand me.  He was the first to get to that place inside, where only one can get if they know the way.  He was limitless in his perceptions.  He was the first to make me feel real, justified, right, beautiful, worthwhile.

And he himself is such a beautiful person.  Its hard for me to stop using him as my standard.  I find that I am attracted to personality traits in people that I first saw in him.  

I love him and miss him incredibly.   Sometimes I try to convince myself to push out thoughts of him, but then I wonder, how? How can I?  His influence is too strong, and I've loved him too much.  I want the best parts of him to influence me however they can.  When it came to love, he was incredibly capable.  When it came to intelligence, I've never met anyone so gifted.  When it came to music, he could put many to shame.  And when it came to friendship, he was just too good at it for me to forget.

He means so much to me.  So here's a humble thanks to him who still occupies my thoughts these three years later.  Thank you, James, and rest in peace.

My New Job Rocks

I hope you appreciate the pun.

Today was quite probably the best work day I've ever had.  The morning started with a session by our boss, Johnathon.  Explicating all of the goodness I love... this time it was about how our essence, through language, drives our intentions, which in turn drives our behaviors.  Our behaviors then in turn have an effect on others.  We cannot control the effects they have but we can control our intentions.  So when acting, act with the best intentions, and when listening, pay attention to the intent and not necessarily the behavior.  When negative, we can choose to not be effected by others' actions!

So from 10:30 on, we traveled out to this lovely beauty:

It's called Prophesy Wall.  And we spent the rest of the day climbing it.  I did my first multi-pitch climb, and climbed farther than I have before (about 150 ft).  I must say it was a "beginner climb", but this fact did not detract from its challenge, and neither from how awesome it was.  My instructors/co-workers, BJ and Calvin were super encouraging and oh-so-patient.  

Highlights from the day:  Zack and Bill tackled a monstrous looking climb that left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed, and Amelia climbed a whole pitch blind-folded!  

This is the best 12 hour work day I have EVER had.  Mmmhmm.

Soul Meets Body

Maybe it's time to bring my blog from dormancy.

I've had this song on my mind for a while:

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9JB2ETgatI

So what "where soul meets body" means to me, is that wherever I go, I always feel a need to have my surroundings connect with me.  That is where I am happy, where my inner self is meeting its needs as well as my physical self.  In Hawaii the ocean, mountains and aloha spirit did this for me.  In Israel, it was the beautiful Israeli landscape, as well as my classmates, teachers, and the study of the gospel that helped me find happiness.  I feel like I went out of touch with my soul for a few weeks when I came back to Utah, but now I feel happiness coming back to me.  

I just got a job at Zion Adventure Company.  

For the past few days, I've been hiking to get to know Zion and meeting amazing people.  Today our boss went over some philosophy that made me feel even more happy.  It is this: completeness.  That you and I are complete beings, that we add on noble characteristics to our beings to make our actions honorable, and that no matter what, the pressure that we feel on the outside can't change what is great about ourselves.   We are complete, and completely impervious.  I can't explain how happy I am to work for someone so uplifting.  

Zion Adventure Company is the place for me.  

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie Lyrics:  

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

i got a little love...

Help me to be humble
Help me to be better
Help me to not be bitter
Help me to LOVE. 

I found myself praying this... it seems like when I am talking to God I am always wisest.  It is when I realize that my problems don't stem from others, they stem from my inability to love others fully, or my inability to take heartache with a grain of salt.  Although my heart is aching with a dull, smoldering sort of pain, there are times where I find a solace in this kind of discomfort.  It means I can love.  Its insistent presence sometimes turns me bitter, and I realize it is time to give this up.  (Help me to give this up...)

This song was playing as I was blogging.  It kind of seemed like God was singing through my speakers...


"You gotta spend some time, Love.


You gotta spend some time with me.

And I know that you'll find love

I will possess your heart."

exclusion.

I see your loyalty, your passionate, endearing loyalty.  It's beautiful, and blatant, and bewilderingly cognizant.  They love you for it, your demeaning and unsophisticated devotion.  How secure, how safe you are!  What a fantastic system of unfailing support!  Stay alive, stay emboldened in them forever.  Keep hold of this eternal, obsessive, blindingly fervent adoration.  You will never be alone, and you will never understand beauty.

To Kaika Lindsey

Hidden in a human montage, you separate yourself.  Immersed in the beautiful array of trust and yearning, you are the enhancement of these ecstatic attachments.  Keep that exuberant smile; I feel more at home as a straggler.  Leave me to look up, with a sense of emotional purity, and I will suffer, satisfied, under the daunting stars.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME???

YUCK.

I sit in my room, I sit in the library, I sit wherever, in front of a computer screen for hours!
Constantly moving a foot or a bouncing my leg.
Thoughts racing through my mind
My finger
clicking from picture to picture
Link to link
Looking for something, anything to process
Sitting so long because I should be reading
Or writing
Or learning something
But I can't.  I can't concentrate.
Now I'm not deep,
I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or great.
I'm just a speeding vegetable,
Clicking clicking clicking
Accomplishing nothing.
Maybe instead, I will take a bus somewhere
or go on a long run,
My homework will still not be done,
But at least I'll be interesting.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

Funny thing is I don't really know what that quote is from.

Anyway, it is super nice when after feeling estranged, somewhat confused,

Weird, not the same kind of funny as everyone else,

And after feeling like this is the loop (traces a loop with her finger)

And this is me (points to a dot far outside that loop)

It is super nice to have someone like my good friend Rodo ask,

"Why aren't you here in Houston?

Why aren't I in Hawaii?

I really need to meet more people like you."

Makes me feel like I am not so strange, and that to some people

I'm seen as something like the cream of the crop.

Love that.  Good thing I have Rodo.

He made my day.

Waiting...

Lately I feel a weight on my chest.

Like my body is being pushed up against some kind of invisible plane.

Like I can't fully breathe, and the air I take in is stale, and recycled.

Like there is not enough oxygen getting to my brain.

Like a silent rage is building behind my eyes.

But all power is ceded to my situation.

And all will improve if I close my eyes,

Accept,

And wait. 

Two Great Men

This summer, I met a man. He took care of me and others.  He loved to have fun with us, but more than anything he simply loved us. He spent time on us, he spent money on us.  He was happy.  He knew the ugliness in the world.  He knew, but he would just keep smiling.  I got some time to talk to him.  It was late, he had been busy, his stomach was growling, but he was still smiling. 

Today, I met another man.  Outside his office stood roughly fifteen young people.  Half of them needed to see him.  None of them had to get lucky, time was found for all.  Even more called.  The secretaries, unaware of these appointments, booked more for the same times.  He worked around it.  He worked around church, ward council, temple council, and still met with more after a fireside.  He will meet with more tomorrow.

I got my time with him.  I had met him once, but he remembered my face, and remembered my name.  His eyes were tired.  He gave me a hug.  I could tell he was happy.  He made me feel happy. 

Must I mention how blessed I feel to have these great men in my life?  They must be worked to their wits end with a seemingly endless list of things to do.  But nothing is more worth it to them than to sit down and talk with someone like me.  Their wisdom and their love for me and others is truly amazing. 

In my mind, there is a difference between a good man and a great man.  These men are truly great.  I feel like they love me the way Christ loves me.  And I know that is because they always keep Him in their hearts. 

Third Eye Blind

What if life was simply the time we had to weave ourselves into one eternal existence, so as a collective human soul we all had the capacity to reach some ecstatic end?  What if there was a sweet and succulent Fruit which each person endlessly longed for?  What if, with every thought one had, every word one uttered, and every interaction with another soul, this fruit reflected brightly in a still and focused eye?  What if this focus was so sharp that earthly appetites were dissolved, mood was merely conceptual, and anything perceived was done so by an augmented reason able to transcend and retranslate the earthly?

I'm sure we would all be a lot more calm.  We would have less to worry about, less to get angry over, less to get offended by.

The third eye is "the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness".  It is the capacity to see who we really are: spirits with a potential for godliness, and see what we are really surrounded with: God and eternity.  It is the ability to see the end; the glorious Fruit: eternal life. 

Some of us, you could say, have been sleepwalking.  We are unaware; third eye blind.  I know I have been so for a long time, and have engaged in a constant struggle to raise an eyelid weary from a lifetime of sleep, and to raise a soul from a lifetime submerged in dreams.

New Blog

So I changed my blog.

This has taken me hours and hours.  I am so blog in-adept.

I just want people to experience blog envy when they look at my page.  Perhaps that is a bit prideful.  In anycase, I am way too picky.

This blog will most likely change tomorrow.

North...

Standing outside the Salt Lake City temple last week, I overheard a woman talking to her son.  She said,

"Now here's something not everyone notices about the temple.  Look above the second window.  You'll see the big dipper."  She was right.

Later I asked a friend why this was.  He said he didn't know the original reason why they put this on the temple, but that President Hinckley once gave a talk using the same idea.  He explained how this constellation pointed to the North Star, and how in our lives we should always be facing true North, which is our Savior Jesus Christ. 

Well, the past few days I have been thinking about the direction my life will be going.  This idea of heading North rested in the back of my mind until I listened to an R.E.M. song today.  The song, called "Stand", goes like this.

Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before. 

If you are confused check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

I think the general direction of my life has been mastered by my wishes of the moment, which is wishing for my best friends to never leave me.  But reason doesn't always agree with my wishes, and in order to position myself to face true North, I have to sometimes let the wishes go.

I think its about time to let reason rule my life's direction.

Drab.

It is no wonder I didn't realize I have been sitting in the dark.  I guess it created the perfect sort of ambience to accomodate my internal distractions.  That clouding feeling around me in accordance with the steady monotony of rainfall on the roof has created a breeding ground for my thoughts. 

I have been logging on to Facebook way too much today.  I keep zoning out when people talk to me. I find that I'm annoyed with the people on the train, and the people on Facebook.  Every once in a while I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Because of the rain, I can't go out for the daily walk I take during lunch.  I might as well just sit here and let the thoughts and disturbances have their way with me. 

Unintentional ... whatever.

So I was in the middle of a completely different entry that was probably a lot more articulate and thought out than this one is going to be.  But the mood got killed, and I still feel like blogging. 

I have so much to say... so much on my mind.  Since it would take an eternity to make a particular entry about each thing I have been thinking about, maybe I'll just make a list here.

- My mother, wishing I could be there while she recovers from surgery
- Kind of wondering if I am doing things right, wondering if people are mad at me
- I've been dreaming about gigantic marine life that act strangely... like giant fish that stalk people out of water and sharks and whales with nasty teeth
- My new relationship with Riley
- Missing my past.
-  Ew.  Ouch.  That last one just started to hurt a little more.  There are a few people so close to my heart that I feel like are gone. 
- My internship at Catholic Community Services.  I feel like I am starting to love it.  Its been amazing and eye opening.
- My progression.  I feel like when it comes to spirituality and self-security, that this summer has been a leap forward.

- My gratitude for an amazing ward and an amazing bishop.
- My gratitude for a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful with eyes that mean it.

Ugh.  I feel like I am full of so much emotion that I just can't get out.  Just so much that I'm feeling.  This entry kind of blows.  Feel free to disregard this post.  It didn't really serve its purpose, because I still feel like........  

yelling? 
crying?
sleeping?

Good night!

New Friends!

This is me and my new friend Riley Stock

 This is my new friend Kelly

 And her husband, my new friend Nick

Okay, maybe this is a better picture of Kelly and Nick...

We all went to this rodeo together! 

As you can see, it was Fiesta Days.  Which meant we got to see a lot of authentic dancing.  We kept yelling for more.  Arriba!

Afterward we made milkshakes and Nick and Kelly's.  Their apartment is pretty awesome.  Wait, THEY'RE pretty awesome!  They gave us a fantastic tour of 11-X, showed us cool pictures, and let us eat their wedding cake! 

Thanks Riley, Nick, and Kelly for a great first rodeo and Siesta I mean Fiesta Day!

Rahh!

That was me roaring from frustration slash internal conflict. 

I just miss everything.  And everyone.  I really miss James Warren.  I miss his witty humor, I miss his originality, his way of staying above the current.  I miss how he made me feel different, important, beautiful.  How I wanted to be greater because of him.  I miss him so much.  He was brilliant and bizarre and original and great.  He was full of intense, self-sacrificing love.  He taught me a lot of things which I seem to forget too often. 

Thinking of him reminds me of the kind of person I once vowed to be.  Someone patient, full of love, self-sacrificing, appreciative, disciplined, without judgement.  Well versed in music and literature.  Someone inventive and open.  And overall someone with a wide perspective.

Perhaps this is a combination of both listening to sigur ros and talking to a friend, but while writing I am starting to feel more calm.  I have been working on myself recently and I feel like I have been blessed with a great internship, a great new ward, a more friendly personality, and the feeling of progression.  Focusing on myself spiritually has brought some pretty sweet benefits. 

I still miss the influence that James had in my life.  And I think it is the greatest shame that he still isn't here to inspire people, love people, and make people laugh. 

But I am also glad for the love of my friends who are still here.  Even new friends who have already shown me a supporting hand.  Life is still hard and confusing, but I guess thats what faith is for.