Blerapy? Or maybe, Thog?

OK, so "blog" and "therapy" don't mix well. But the point is I tend to blog when I feel sunk, tired, crazy, and frustrated beyond belief.

On the surface, the reason is because I have a 10 page research paper to write, two presentations this week, three finals to study for and take, a plane ticket to buy (with $18 in my bank account?), a room to pack up and a house to clean by next Wednesday. My house is tiny, my roommates are mean and immature AND one of my housemates has been eating my ice cream sandwiches (I hope they made her sick!). I also have hardly any food, and I can't see well because I can't afford to buy new contacts.

So that's it on the surface, but there's so much more. There is a deeper well that I only tap into on occasion, or else it all comes gushing out as tears and headaches and 12 hour nights of sleep. It is the goodbye. The possibly more than temporary goodbye to my best friend. We were terrible for each other, and we were great for each other, we confused each other, but I think more than anything, we loved each other. Was it love love, like love, like like, or just plain like? I don't really know. This coming summer is there for us to find out. Its been a crazy roller coaster ride, but the thing I know above all else is that this summer I'll miss you; I already do.

Thats the biggest bucket out of my well. Secondly, how am I going to handle walking out of my door and not seeing the ocean? Not playing in the sparkling big waves at Waimea bay on the weekends? Not getting drenched by sudden bursts of rain? Not swimming amongst tropical fish and sea turtles? Where will my ocean be? Where will my Ocearapy be? My Thocean?

Third bucket: the same common, ever-enduring, insecurities. When will I ever be good enough for myself? I wish I were more disciplined and nicer to those I love. I wish I could love people more easily. I wish I wasn't subject to my emotional mood swings, and I wish I could focus more on what's important. I want to be righteous and a good example. Instead I seem to be self-conscious, uncontrolled, and insecure. Help?

I know this has all been building up over the past few semesters, but I feel like it just punched me in the gut. Brand New seems to have to have the words for it tonight

"I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself because I make things hard
and you're just trying to help.
I got no gas.
I'm winding out my gears.
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts.
And my health is a joke.
Now I got to stop because the headphones broke."

I really do just want to cry. I feel no motivation for school anymore. I want to go home, but I want to stay in Hawaii. I want to move on, but I want my best friend. I'm stuck. And I hate it.

"What they call love is a risk to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own."

"No te ahogas"

I have been DROWNING in school work lately. There has been so much... I have to neglect some classes just to complete assignments in others. I feel like I have been struggling all semester. I reached an emotional apex this weekend where all the frustration came out in angry tears.

But I am grateful to be here, and I am grateful for my wonderful professors. After failing a quiz in my Spanish literature class, I wrote in the right answers and handed it in, having marked everything wrong and writing "Lo siento... no lei la cuenta" (Sorry, I didn't read the story).

My paper was handed back with a "10" on the top, and a note that said, "No te ahogas. Haz lo que puedes. Hoy dia cuando lo esfuerza de otros por lleva a todo adelante."

It means, "Don't drown. Do what you can. Today is a day when the strength of others carries all forward."

What a relief it is to receive such kindness from a professor. He has also talked to me individually after class, reassuring me that, even if I felt like I was drowning, that I was in the right place.

I still feel like I am drowning in school, but it is nice to know that at least one of my professors understands and is always there with helpful reassurance.

Three and a half weeks left in the semester. Here goes a hearty effort to get back to the surface...

La Saeta

Today in my Spanish literature class we learned of a famous Spanish poet named Antonio Machado. His poem called "La Saeta" has really stayed with me today. Here it is, with a rough translation from me and the help I could get on the internet.

Dijo una voz popular:
Said a popular voice:
Quien me presta una escalera
Who will lend me a ladder
para subir al madero
to climb the cross
para quitarle los clavos
to take out the nails
a Jesus el Nazareno?
from Jesus the Nazarene?

Oh, la saeta, el cantar
Oh, the arrow, the song
al Cristo de los gitanos
to Christ of the gypsies
siempre con sangre en las manos
always with blood on his hands
siempre por desenclavar.
always there for taking out the nails.
Cantar del pueblo de andaluz
Song of the Andalusion people
que todas las primaveras
that every spring
anda pidiendo escaleras
walk asking for ladders
para subir a la cruz
so they may climb the cross

Cantar de tierra mia
Song of my land
que echa flores
That throws flowers
al Jesus de la agonia
At Jesus in agony
y es la fe de mis mayores
and this is the faith of my elders
!Oh, no eres tu mi cantar
Oh, this is not my song
no puedo cantar, ni quiero
I can't sing, neither do I want to
a este Jesus del madero
to this Jesus on the cross
sino al que anduvo en el mar!
but instead to He who walked on the sea!

I am so grateful that Jesus passed through the suffering he did for us. But I will look to Him forever as my savior who lives! Like Machado, this is my song and my faith.

Here is a link to the song form of this poem performed by Joan Manuel Serrat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHwhhVWoFJI

Trololololo....

Today's will be a post about things that have made my day.

First is what made my day yesterday. I was on a drive with my lovely dear friend Jimmy. We were arguing and such like we do occasionally... and after some yelling and some hurt feelings I heard the lady on the radio say my name... and then I heard Jimmy's voice!! He had called and told her a bogus story of how we had just gotten engaged and that I was the love of his life... bladah bladah blah. Although none of this was true, he did it to surprise me and to make me laugh!! What a good bestie I have!! It was a lot harder to be mad at him, and we ended up having a fun night!

Now for what made my day today. This website: http://trololololololololololo.com
This easily made my day 10,000 x better.

And something that has been making my day a lot this week... my tent! From which I am now blogging. Now that I have my trusty lantern I may never have to go back inside!

Happy Friday!!!

What's left to lose?

"What's left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but I gave it shot. These last three years, I know they've been hard. But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun... even if it's alone".

-On Your Porch by The Format

Sigh.

This happens every semester. But as the semesters keep coming, it is only getting worse.

It is such a terribly beautiful utilization of way too many of my emotions. I feel, all at once, the culmination of all that has happened, all I currently experience , and all that I know (and fear) will end.

I swear it is something about February! Fall semesters start out lonely, but given patience time brings me something so completely gratifying but yet so fragile... so much so I can not think about it without aching, because by now I know how my years work: it will break.

I am talking of nothing in particular, but just my general state of emotion. I am so happy. I come home to my clean condo with on the beach lighted with Christmas lights, and my roommates who I dance with like crazy on a regular basis. Every day I walk outside and feel the pacific sunshine. It is Winter and I am warm. This place is magic. Just the sound or sight of the ocean can calm me like nothing else can. I have a good job with co-workers I know and like. I go to a University I love with a major I swear was conferred upon me from the heavens (I love it). I still don't understand how I graduated, high school and instantly came to the most beautiful place in the world and got thrown into learning about things I love. It all seems too good to have been true. And mostly, I have the best friend in the entire world. Someone to adventure with, someone to fight and love with, someone to tell things to. I don't know why it is happening so soon, but I am already starting to feel the pain of it all ending.

Soon I'll leave this beautiful place and I won't learn from my favorite professors anymore. There will be no backyard ocean and mountain ranges, no more glowing blue plankton or jumping off the point. There will be no more crazy nights with these roomies of mine. And whats more sad and more imminent, my best friend will leave.

I can't freakin get this Third Eye Blind song out of my head: "How's it going to be when you don't know me? How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there? How's it going to be when there's no one there to talk to?"

Its too hard to think about. But yet this- all of this- I want it to end, whichever way it has to. School is so hard, and I don't know if I can take this cycle every year. These past few years contain some of the best and worst memories of my life.

So really now, what's left to lose? I've done enough. I'll finish these college years up and if I somehow fail, well, at least I gave them a shot. These past few years have been really hard, but now it's almost time to get out and get into the sun... even if it's alone.

may myself do nothing usefully

Perhaps the reason I love poems and books is because no matter how much I feel I am so uniquely strange, and that no one person can understand my complex feelings, I tend to find that some author, somewhere, has felt the same way. Anyhow, this is how I'm feeling.

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e. cummings

So he pretty much summed up my thoughts/feelings that I've been having for a while. I want to be "open to little birds", because to hear them is better than to know. It is better than to enjoy the God-given blessings of such a beautiful world, and to wonder at the intracacies of life, than to fill my head with so many useless facts about why the world works the way it does. This reminds me of Walt Whitman's "When I heard the learn'd astronomer":

When I heard the learn'd astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was own the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tid and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

And as cummings says, if men refuse to just listen than we are old. There is a need for mystery and awe in the world. I feel as if the desire to know truth simply leads us to both the discovery of brute fact, and frustration when the search proves fruitless. Why not accept the truth we have before us? Which is that life is a complex, confusing, and strangely beautiful mosaic of infinite truths? We might as well, because we can never really figure everything out. Mystery is an endless frontier, and it will prevail. The attempt to thwart its essence will only turn our hair gray.

I also always want to be learning, but about the things I am hungry for. Not necessarily to figure out why, but how. I want to walk in the channels of my own thoughts as I peruse them with a burning question; not sit as I am taught all that is necessary and right to learn. A prominent thing I have learned so far in life is that I don't really know much at all. And as I learn more that space will just expand (this I know). I am reminded of a dialogue with a certain friend, as we discussed a recent event: he told me "Don't keep asking yourself why, because whatever conclusion you come to accept will most likely be wrong anyway". So I won't ask why. I will ask how, and in what ways. This is the secret to living, and this will keep me young!

For the last part... this is what really exemplifies my feelings. May I do nothing usefully! May I not learn what the learn'd astronomer knows. May I not know why. May I not pick up a textbook. May I just sit and be lazy, and simply just think, and most importantly love. Another prominent thing I have learned is that human relationships are the apex of human experience and of happiness. The conclusion of Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild is "happiness is only real when shared". And what better conclusion when the purpose of God is to bring about our happiness. So by the world's standard's, e.e. cummings has failed because he hasn't done something usefully (just nothing usefully). But he still has awe, knows the secret to living, and pulls the sky (the beautiful, awe-inspiring, great gift of the sky), over him with in happiness. So he has fulfilled God's primary purpose.

This blog is just another way of saying I am tired of incessant schoolwork and requirements. I would rather do nothing usefully than fulfill requirements usefully. There are still ways to learn and be fulfilled, and live a happy life in your own channels. However, I am very grateful for my school. It is the best, and I have the best major I could have asked for. I think I am just getting burnt out. These are just some recent thoughts I've had as I struggle through my second-to-last semester, looking forward to summer and next to graduation with anticipation.

I Love You Best Friend!

A long long time ago, in the year of 2008, I met this kid:

I remember clearly the happy energy he carried around with him, and how nice he was to everybody! (I still can't walk with him on campus without him being attacked by his fan club).

In Fall of 2009, it became time for our friendship to blossom into a wonderful, beautiful, best friendship. I didn't think I was significant in his mind to get him to spend time with me, among all his other friends, but somehow I got in! We danced like crazy together at a Na Drua concert, and since then we have never... stopped... dancing!

We've had many more wonderful adventures together. Among some of the first were swimming out to an island in Kailua, conquering the crazy waves and ocean spray at Waimea Bay, and taking the plunge (off of Laie Point, that is).

Jimmy is an accomplished Accounting major/Canoe pusher at the PCC. He graduates sometime this year, and will starting up a plasma donation center in Idaho. He enjoys dancing like a crazy man, jumping off high cliffs, writing business plans, and listening to the band Fun. He has also recently taken up mechanics... what a man!

I am so grateful to have Jimmy as my best friend. He has had to deal with my hyper moods (especially in public), among many other things. He has always been there to make me feel special, to read my papers, to dance on tables, and to show me that he cares.

If anything, I want YOU to know Jimmy, how much I love you. These past few months have been roller coaster crazy, but I wouldn't have rather spent them with anybody but you.