North...

Standing outside the Salt Lake City temple last week, I overheard a woman talking to her son.  She said,

"Now here's something not everyone notices about the temple.  Look above the second window.  You'll see the big dipper."  She was right.

Later I asked a friend why this was.  He said he didn't know the original reason why they put this on the temple, but that President Hinckley once gave a talk using the same idea.  He explained how this constellation pointed to the North Star, and how in our lives we should always be facing true North, which is our Savior Jesus Christ. 

Well, the past few days I have been thinking about the direction my life will be going.  This idea of heading North rested in the back of my mind until I listened to an R.E.M. song today.  The song, called "Stand", goes like this.

Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before. 

If you are confused check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

I think the general direction of my life has been mastered by my wishes of the moment, which is wishing for my best friends to never leave me.  But reason doesn't always agree with my wishes, and in order to position myself to face true North, I have to sometimes let the wishes go.

I think its about time to let reason rule my life's direction.

Drab.

It is no wonder I didn't realize I have been sitting in the dark.  I guess it created the perfect sort of ambience to accomodate my internal distractions.  That clouding feeling around me in accordance with the steady monotony of rainfall on the roof has created a breeding ground for my thoughts. 

I have been logging on to Facebook way too much today.  I keep zoning out when people talk to me. I find that I'm annoyed with the people on the train, and the people on Facebook.  Every once in a while I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Because of the rain, I can't go out for the daily walk I take during lunch.  I might as well just sit here and let the thoughts and disturbances have their way with me. 

Unintentional ... whatever.

So I was in the middle of a completely different entry that was probably a lot more articulate and thought out than this one is going to be.  But the mood got killed, and I still feel like blogging. 

I have so much to say... so much on my mind.  Since it would take an eternity to make a particular entry about each thing I have been thinking about, maybe I'll just make a list here.

- My mother, wishing I could be there while she recovers from surgery
- Kind of wondering if I am doing things right, wondering if people are mad at me
- I've been dreaming about gigantic marine life that act strangely... like giant fish that stalk people out of water and sharks and whales with nasty teeth
- My new relationship with Riley
- Missing my past.
-  Ew.  Ouch.  That last one just started to hurt a little more.  There are a few people so close to my heart that I feel like are gone. 
- My internship at Catholic Community Services.  I feel like I am starting to love it.  Its been amazing and eye opening.
- My progression.  I feel like when it comes to spirituality and self-security, that this summer has been a leap forward.

- My gratitude for an amazing ward and an amazing bishop.
- My gratitude for a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful with eyes that mean it.

Ugh.  I feel like I am full of so much emotion that I just can't get out.  Just so much that I'm feeling.  This entry kind of blows.  Feel free to disregard this post.  It didn't really serve its purpose, because I still feel like........  

yelling? 
crying?
sleeping?

Good night!

New Friends!

This is me and my new friend Riley Stock

 This is my new friend Kelly

 And her husband, my new friend Nick

Okay, maybe this is a better picture of Kelly and Nick...

We all went to this rodeo together! 

As you can see, it was Fiesta Days.  Which meant we got to see a lot of authentic dancing.  We kept yelling for more.  Arriba!

Afterward we made milkshakes and Nick and Kelly's.  Their apartment is pretty awesome.  Wait, THEY'RE pretty awesome!  They gave us a fantastic tour of 11-X, showed us cool pictures, and let us eat their wedding cake! 

Thanks Riley, Nick, and Kelly for a great first rodeo and Siesta I mean Fiesta Day!

Rahh!

That was me roaring from frustration slash internal conflict. 

I just miss everything.  And everyone.  I really miss James Warren.  I miss his witty humor, I miss his originality, his way of staying above the current.  I miss how he made me feel different, important, beautiful.  How I wanted to be greater because of him.  I miss him so much.  He was brilliant and bizarre and original and great.  He was full of intense, self-sacrificing love.  He taught me a lot of things which I seem to forget too often. 

Thinking of him reminds me of the kind of person I once vowed to be.  Someone patient, full of love, self-sacrificing, appreciative, disciplined, without judgement.  Well versed in music and literature.  Someone inventive and open.  And overall someone with a wide perspective.

Perhaps this is a combination of both listening to sigur ros and talking to a friend, but while writing I am starting to feel more calm.  I have been working on myself recently and I feel like I have been blessed with a great internship, a great new ward, a more friendly personality, and the feeling of progression.  Focusing on myself spiritually has brought some pretty sweet benefits. 

I still miss the influence that James had in my life.  And I think it is the greatest shame that he still isn't here to inspire people, love people, and make people laugh. 

But I am also glad for the love of my friends who are still here.  Even new friends who have already shown me a supporting hand.  Life is still hard and confusing, but I guess thats what faith is for. 

Change

So I read a good inspirational poster at work tody.  I think it's kind of corny that an inspirational poster actually inspired me.  Anyway, it said, 

CHANGE:  A bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn. 

I remember a friend I used to have would always tell me how much he hated change, and I always thought that he must have a pretty boring life.  So I've got to be grateful for it, even though it's hard. 

Thinking back to when I moved to Hawaii and forward, my life has been constantly full of change.  There have been times where- now to be super corny- life was a highway and I wanted to ride it all night long.  And there have been times where turning that bend was too hard, and I just wanted the road to end.  

So here is a quick review of the last three years, and the changes I went through. 

First was moving to Hawaii:

I was so afraid I wasn't going to make any friends.  But look how excited I was when I did!  I became a part of an awesome team, met a lot of cool people, and made myself at home in Hawaii and in my new major in school.

I made and lost an influential friend:

I remember the first moment I saw this kid, and I remember our following conversation well.  It was the first conversation of many to come, some lasting all night, some which I didn't fully understand, and most making me think in new ways.  He was gifted, and I was lucky to know him.  He passed away the next June, and it was the hardest summer yet for me.  But I got over it, like I never thought I would.  I got through the change.

  Then after returning to school, a new boyfriend, a breakup, and leaving again, I travelled abroad on my own:

I went to the Dominican Republic and got to stay at a couple orphanages and play with kids, as well as teaching English.  It was so fun, and I got to try out my spanish (although at times the kids would get frustrated and tell me I didn't speak Spanish).  I made more friends, swam in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, and ate way too many fried plantains. 

After returning to my island home, I made one of the best friends I've ever had:

Although our relationship status was a little ambiguous, which made things hard, I always knew I would have a rockin day if I just called him up.  Over the course of these two semesters and a term, we have had way too many Hawaiian adventures together, and have laughed and danced way too much.  Ok, maybe not too much :)

But change has happened once again.  I'm living in Utah, it is June and freezing outside, I am an intern in a real world organization, and for friends, I am back to square one.  Its been a pretty hard transition for me to be Hawaii-less, Jimmy-less, and to have real world responsibilities.  I guess you could say that before I was pretty spoiled.  Here's for growing up, I guess.

The point is, that however it works out, I am confidant I can make this turn.  Looking at my past gives me hope for my future.  Its simply a new bend in the road and I am happy that I get to do it amidst family and with opportunities that will help me grow. 

Walk Away

They say time will make all this go away,
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that risin sun is droppin down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do, but so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away.