i got a little love...

Help me to be humble
Help me to be better
Help me to not be bitter
Help me to LOVE. 

I found myself praying this... it seems like when I am talking to God I am always wisest.  It is when I realize that my problems don't stem from others, they stem from my inability to love others fully, or my inability to take heartache with a grain of salt.  Although my heart is aching with a dull, smoldering sort of pain, there are times where I find a solace in this kind of discomfort.  It means I can love.  Its insistent presence sometimes turns me bitter, and I realize it is time to give this up.  (Help me to give this up...)

This song was playing as I was blogging.  It kind of seemed like God was singing through my speakers...


"You gotta spend some time, Love.


You gotta spend some time with me.

And I know that you'll find love

I will possess your heart."

exclusion.

I see your loyalty, your passionate, endearing loyalty.  It's beautiful, and blatant, and bewilderingly cognizant.  They love you for it, your demeaning and unsophisticated devotion.  How secure, how safe you are!  What a fantastic system of unfailing support!  Stay alive, stay emboldened in them forever.  Keep hold of this eternal, obsessive, blindingly fervent adoration.  You will never be alone, and you will never understand beauty.

To Kaika Lindsey

Hidden in a human montage, you separate yourself.  Immersed in the beautiful array of trust and yearning, you are the enhancement of these ecstatic attachments.  Keep that exuberant smile; I feel more at home as a straggler.  Leave me to look up, with a sense of emotional purity, and I will suffer, satisfied, under the daunting stars.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME???

YUCK.

I sit in my room, I sit in the library, I sit wherever, in front of a computer screen for hours!
Constantly moving a foot or a bouncing my leg.
Thoughts racing through my mind
My finger
clicking from picture to picture
Link to link
Looking for something, anything to process
Sitting so long because I should be reading
Or writing
Or learning something
But I can't.  I can't concentrate.
Now I'm not deep,
I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or great.
I'm just a speeding vegetable,
Clicking clicking clicking
Accomplishing nothing.
Maybe instead, I will take a bus somewhere
or go on a long run,
My homework will still not be done,
But at least I'll be interesting.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

Funny thing is I don't really know what that quote is from.

Anyway, it is super nice when after feeling estranged, somewhat confused,

Weird, not the same kind of funny as everyone else,

And after feeling like this is the loop (traces a loop with her finger)

And this is me (points to a dot far outside that loop)

It is super nice to have someone like my good friend Rodo ask,

"Why aren't you here in Houston?

Why aren't I in Hawaii?

I really need to meet more people like you."

Makes me feel like I am not so strange, and that to some people

I'm seen as something like the cream of the crop.

Love that.  Good thing I have Rodo.

He made my day.

Waiting...

Lately I feel a weight on my chest.

Like my body is being pushed up against some kind of invisible plane.

Like I can't fully breathe, and the air I take in is stale, and recycled.

Like there is not enough oxygen getting to my brain.

Like a silent rage is building behind my eyes.

But all power is ceded to my situation.

And all will improve if I close my eyes,

Accept,

And wait. 

Two Great Men

This summer, I met a man. He took care of me and others.  He loved to have fun with us, but more than anything he simply loved us. He spent time on us, he spent money on us.  He was happy.  He knew the ugliness in the world.  He knew, but he would just keep smiling.  I got some time to talk to him.  It was late, he had been busy, his stomach was growling, but he was still smiling. 

Today, I met another man.  Outside his office stood roughly fifteen young people.  Half of them needed to see him.  None of them had to get lucky, time was found for all.  Even more called.  The secretaries, unaware of these appointments, booked more for the same times.  He worked around it.  He worked around church, ward council, temple council, and still met with more after a fireside.  He will meet with more tomorrow.

I got my time with him.  I had met him once, but he remembered my face, and remembered my name.  His eyes were tired.  He gave me a hug.  I could tell he was happy.  He made me feel happy. 

Must I mention how blessed I feel to have these great men in my life?  They must be worked to their wits end with a seemingly endless list of things to do.  But nothing is more worth it to them than to sit down and talk with someone like me.  Their wisdom and their love for me and others is truly amazing. 

In my mind, there is a difference between a good man and a great man.  These men are truly great.  I feel like they love me the way Christ loves me.  And I know that is because they always keep Him in their hearts.