OK, so "blog" and "therapy" don't mix well. But the point is I tend to blog when I feel sunk, tired, crazy, and frustrated beyond belief.
On the surface, the reason is because I have a 10 page research paper to write, two presentations this week, three finals to study for and take, a plane ticket to buy (with $18 in my bank account?), a room to pack up and a house to clean by next Wednesday. My house is tiny, my roommates are mean and immature AND one of my housemates has been eating my ice cream sandwiches (I hope they made her sick!). I also have hardly any food, and I can't see well because I can't afford to buy new contacts.
So that's it on the surface, but there's so much more. There is a deeper well that I only tap into on occasion, or else it all comes gushing out as tears and headaches and 12 hour nights of sleep. It is the goodbye. The possibly more than temporary goodbye to my best friend. We were terrible for each other, and we were great for each other, we confused each other, but I think more than anything, we loved each other. Was it love love, like love, like like, or just plain like? I don't really know. This coming summer is there for us to find out. Its been a crazy roller coaster ride, but the thing I know above all else is that this summer I'll miss you; I already do.
Thats the biggest bucket out of my well. Secondly, how am I going to handle walking out of my door and not seeing the ocean? Not playing in the sparkling big waves at Waimea bay on the weekends? Not getting drenched by sudden bursts of rain? Not swimming amongst tropical fish and sea turtles? Where will my ocean be? Where will my Ocearapy be? My Thocean?
Third bucket: the same common, ever-enduring, insecurities. When will I ever be good enough for myself? I wish I were more disciplined and nicer to those I love. I wish I could love people more easily. I wish I wasn't subject to my emotional mood swings, and I wish I could focus more on what's important. I want to be righteous and a good example. Instead I seem to be self-conscious, uncontrolled, and insecure. Help?
I know this has all been building up over the past few semesters, but I feel like it just punched me in the gut. Brand New seems to have to have the words for it tonight
"I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself because I make things hard
and you're just trying to help.
I got no gas.
I'm winding out my gears.
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts.
And my health is a joke.
Now I got to stop because the headphones broke."
I really do just want to cry. I feel no motivation for school anymore. I want to go home, but I want to stay in Hawaii. I want to move on, but I want my best friend. I'm stuck. And I hate it.
"What they call love is a risk to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own."
