twins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YPcWWq7jRQ

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth 

before i could learn whose twin i was
your face familiar like a light in the water 

just your touch could cure my lonesome blood 

you let go of everything you had

and everything got left here waiting for what comes next

 the state of things is tied to me 

and i've been careless, i think too much 

i want to lie still near you, i want to 

the wind shook the kiss from your mouth 

before i could learn whose twin i was

Simple but true

I think I need to find a bigger place
because when you have more than you think,
you need more space.

Although I've felt consistently constrained for a while now, this revelation was just made to me (thanks to recent contemplation and the corroboration of Eddie Vedder).  I've never felt more alive than when I'm alone and somewhere new.  So while I've been sitting motionless in a town all too familiar, I have forgotten what I do have.  Me.  I forget that while I attempt at making friends who are nothing like me, I have a constant and reassuring justification that all is well in my world.  Because I really like who I am, and I have a point of view I wouldn't change for a zillion passing acquaintances. I am happier alone than I am with most other people, and that makes me happy.

But I do need more space.  I need NEW space... open space, raw space.  Somewhere I can be more alone, or maybe meet myself in other landscapes or other people.  Here will do for a while, for a stepping stone, or a crescendo to the more paramount moments of my life.  

Living in an open cage

Tonight I am not unusually frustrated or sad, its just that the infuriating subtleties of living seem to be at the forefront of my mind.  Someone once told me I was candidly detached... implying that I took a step back from the degraded and deceptive convolutions of the "real world" and simply smiled.  But I can't seem to step away from them now; finding nobody or nothing real in which to find happiness, I fill my life with distractions.  I've discovered that jolts and stimuli can make me temporarily happy.  But the void consumes nonetheless, and I'm always back to where I was- hoping, wishing, and doing nothing.  It seems candid detachment it not an option.  It just fills me with hopelessness.  I can't seem to find value in living differently in a city where life is caught from a stream.  I just feel out of line- out of touch.  When I am alone, I remember times when my life was valued, when my thoughts were admired, and it seems like my life now could be a dream.  That maybe real life truly is simple, and this pointlessly elaborate mess is a national geographic article of some obscure culture somewhere else in the world.  But then someone else comes in the room and it's all changed again.  And I live in this reality because I'm afraid that if I step out, I'll be completely alone. I tell myself it's open-ness but its really just fear.  And I'm pathetic because I take what I can get.  And I feel like swearing all the time.

Ultimately, I feel like I'm living in an open cage; like I'm suffocating, like I need to get out of here.  But I don't really know what I would do once I got out.

3 Years

Knowing all day that I was going to write this blog, for some reason now I feel a want of words.  The essence of this post is to say that I miss James Don Warren III as much as I did three years ago when his absence was fresh in my mind.  It was three years ago to this date that he passed away.  June 1, 2008 was the last day I saw this face.

I didn't know what was to happen on the 2nd.  I had no idea that for years I would have to dig myself out of a psychological heap that I started to burrow under the day he died.

As well as remembering the last time I saw his face, I also remember the first.  I remember where we were, what he was wearing, and our first conversation:  BYU-Hawaii cafeteria, Pink Floyd shirt, music theory and Dostoevsky.

The next semester is when we got close.  I remembered feeling hesitancy to become close to him.  For the past few days, I've worked this and the following feelings I've had into an analogy.  It was like I was turning down a curious road but, upon reaching the end, I was beat up and thrown out of my car.  Having awakened in another place, I think about this road constantly, start to understand the curious things I saw, and realize that I had never felt so whole in my life.  Amid distractions, I feel a continual and aching desire to get back there.  But I know I'll never find that place again.

James was the first to understand me.  He was the first to get to that place inside, where only one can get if they know the way.  He was limitless in his perceptions.  He was the first to make me feel real, justified, right, beautiful, worthwhile.

And he himself is such a beautiful person.  Its hard for me to stop using him as my standard.  I find that I am attracted to personality traits in people that I first saw in him.  

I love him and miss him incredibly.   Sometimes I try to convince myself to push out thoughts of him, but then I wonder, how? How can I?  His influence is too strong, and I've loved him too much.  I want the best parts of him to influence me however they can.  When it came to love, he was incredibly capable.  When it came to intelligence, I've never met anyone so gifted.  When it came to music, he could put many to shame.  And when it came to friendship, he was just too good at it for me to forget.

He means so much to me.  So here's a humble thanks to him who still occupies my thoughts these three years later.  Thank you, James, and rest in peace.

My New Job Rocks

I hope you appreciate the pun.

Today was quite probably the best work day I've ever had.  The morning started with a session by our boss, Johnathon.  Explicating all of the goodness I love... this time it was about how our essence, through language, drives our intentions, which in turn drives our behaviors.  Our behaviors then in turn have an effect on others.  We cannot control the effects they have but we can control our intentions.  So when acting, act with the best intentions, and when listening, pay attention to the intent and not necessarily the behavior.  When negative, we can choose to not be effected by others' actions!

So from 10:30 on, we traveled out to this lovely beauty:

It's called Prophesy Wall.  And we spent the rest of the day climbing it.  I did my first multi-pitch climb, and climbed farther than I have before (about 150 ft).  I must say it was a "beginner climb", but this fact did not detract from its challenge, and neither from how awesome it was.  My instructors/co-workers, BJ and Calvin were super encouraging and oh-so-patient.  

Highlights from the day:  Zack and Bill tackled a monstrous looking climb that left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed, and Amelia climbed a whole pitch blind-folded!  

This is the best 12 hour work day I have EVER had.  Mmmhmm.

Soul Meets Body

Maybe it's time to bring my blog from dormancy.

I've had this song on my mind for a while:

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9JB2ETgatI

So what "where soul meets body" means to me, is that wherever I go, I always feel a need to have my surroundings connect with me.  That is where I am happy, where my inner self is meeting its needs as well as my physical self.  In Hawaii the ocean, mountains and aloha spirit did this for me.  In Israel, it was the beautiful Israeli landscape, as well as my classmates, teachers, and the study of the gospel that helped me find happiness.  I feel like I went out of touch with my soul for a few weeks when I came back to Utah, but now I feel happiness coming back to me.  

I just got a job at Zion Adventure Company.  

For the past few days, I've been hiking to get to know Zion and meeting amazing people.  Today our boss went over some philosophy that made me feel even more happy.  It is this: completeness.  That you and I are complete beings, that we add on noble characteristics to our beings to make our actions honorable, and that no matter what, the pressure that we feel on the outside can't change what is great about ourselves.   We are complete, and completely impervious.  I can't explain how happy I am to work for someone so uplifting.  

Zion Adventure Company is the place for me.  

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie Lyrics:  

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

i got a little love...

Help me to be humble
Help me to be better
Help me to not be bitter
Help me to LOVE. 

I found myself praying this... it seems like when I am talking to God I am always wisest.  It is when I realize that my problems don't stem from others, they stem from my inability to love others fully, or my inability to take heartache with a grain of salt.  Although my heart is aching with a dull, smoldering sort of pain, there are times where I find a solace in this kind of discomfort.  It means I can love.  Its insistent presence sometimes turns me bitter, and I realize it is time to give this up.  (Help me to give this up...)

This song was playing as I was blogging.  It kind of seemed like God was singing through my speakers...


"You gotta spend some time, Love.


You gotta spend some time with me.

And I know that you'll find love

I will possess your heart."