i got a little love...

Help me to be humble
Help me to be better
Help me to not be bitter
Help me to LOVE. 

I found myself praying this... it seems like when I am talking to God I am always wisest.  It is when I realize that my problems don't stem from others, they stem from my inability to love others fully, or my inability to take heartache with a grain of salt.  Although my heart is aching with a dull, smoldering sort of pain, there are times where I find a solace in this kind of discomfort.  It means I can love.  Its insistent presence sometimes turns me bitter, and I realize it is time to give this up.  (Help me to give this up...)

This song was playing as I was blogging.  It kind of seemed like God was singing through my speakers...


"You gotta spend some time, Love.


You gotta spend some time with me.

And I know that you'll find love

I will possess your heart."

exclusion.

I see your loyalty, your passionate, endearing loyalty.  It's beautiful, and blatant, and bewilderingly cognizant.  They love you for it, your demeaning and unsophisticated devotion.  How secure, how safe you are!  What a fantastic system of unfailing support!  Stay alive, stay emboldened in them forever.  Keep hold of this eternal, obsessive, blindingly fervent adoration.  You will never be alone, and you will never understand beauty.

To Kaika Lindsey

Hidden in a human montage, you separate yourself.  Immersed in the beautiful array of trust and yearning, you are the enhancement of these ecstatic attachments.  Keep that exuberant smile; I feel more at home as a straggler.  Leave me to look up, with a sense of emotional purity, and I will suffer, satisfied, under the daunting stars.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME???

YUCK.

I sit in my room, I sit in the library, I sit wherever, in front of a computer screen for hours!
Constantly moving a foot or a bouncing my leg.
Thoughts racing through my mind
My finger
clicking from picture to picture
Link to link
Looking for something, anything to process
Sitting so long because I should be reading
Or writing
Or learning something
But I can't.  I can't concentrate.
Now I'm not deep,
I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or great.
I'm just a speeding vegetable,
Clicking clicking clicking
Accomplishing nothing.
Maybe instead, I will take a bus somewhere
or go on a long run,
My homework will still not be done,
But at least I'll be interesting.