"What's left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but I gave it shot. These last three years, I know they've been hard. But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun... even if it's alone".
-On Your Porch by The Format
Sigh.
This happens every semester. But as the semesters keep coming, it is only getting worse.
It is such a terribly beautiful utilization of way too many of my emotions. I feel, all at once, the culmination of all that has happened, all I currently experience , and all that I know (and fear) will end.
I swear it is something about February! Fall semesters start out lonely, but given patience time brings me something so completely gratifying but yet so fragile... so much so I can not think about it without aching, because by now I know how my years work: it will break.
I am talking of nothing in particular, but just my general state of emotion. I am so happy. I come home to my clean condo with on the beach lighted with Christmas lights, and my roommates who I dance with like crazy on a regular basis. Every day I walk outside and feel the pacific sunshine. It is Winter and I am warm. This place is magic. Just the sound or sight of the ocean can calm me like nothing else can. I have a good job with co-workers I know and like. I go to a University I love with a major I swear was conferred upon me from the heavens (I love it). I still don't understand how I graduated, high school and instantly came to the most beautiful place in the world and got thrown into learning about things I love. It all seems too good to have been true. And mostly, I have the best friend in the entire world. Someone to adventure with, someone to fight and love with, someone to tell things to. I don't know why it is happening so soon, but I am already starting to feel the pain of it all ending.
Soon I'll leave this beautiful place and I won't learn from my favorite professors anymore. There will be no backyard ocean and mountain ranges, no more glowing blue plankton or jumping off the point. There will be no more crazy nights with these roomies of mine. And whats more sad and more imminent, my best friend will leave.
I can't freakin get this Third Eye Blind song out of my head: "How's it going to be when you don't know me? How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there? How's it going to be when there's no one there to talk to?"
Its too hard to think about. But yet this- all of this- I want it to end, whichever way it has to. School is so hard, and I don't know if I can take this cycle every year. These past few years contain some of the best and worst memories of my life.
So really now, what's left to lose? I've done enough. I'll finish these college years up and if I somehow fail, well, at least I gave them a shot. These past few years have been really hard, but now it's almost time to get out and get into the sun... even if it's alone.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
may myself do nothing usefully
Perhaps the reason I love poems and books is because no matter how much I feel I am so uniquely strange, and that no one person can understand my complex feelings, I tend to find that some author, somewhere, has felt the same way. Anyhow, this is how I'm feeling.
may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old
may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young
and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile
-e.e. cummings
So he pretty much summed up my thoughts/feelings that I've been having for a while. I want to be "open to little birds", because to hear them is better than to know. It is better than to enjoy the God-given blessings of such a beautiful world, and to wonder at the intracacies of life, than to fill my head with so many useless facts about why the world works the way it does. This reminds me of Walt Whitman's "When I heard the learn'd astronomer":
When I heard the learn'd astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was own the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tid and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.
And as cummings says, if men refuse to just listen than we are old. There is a need for mystery and awe in the world. I feel as if the desire to know truth simply leads us to both the discovery of brute fact, and frustration when the search proves fruitless. Why not accept the truth we have before us? Which is that life is a complex, confusing, and strangely beautiful mosaic of infinite truths? We might as well, because we can never really figure everything out. Mystery is an endless frontier, and it will prevail. The attempt to thwart its essence will only turn our hair gray.
I also always want to be learning, but about the things I am hungry for. Not necessarily to figure out why, but how. I want to walk in the channels of my own thoughts as I peruse them with a burning question; not sit as I am taught all that is necessary and right to learn. A prominent thing I have learned so far in life is that I don't really know much at all. And as I learn more that space will just expand (this I know). I am reminded of a dialogue with a certain friend, as we discussed a recent event: he told me "Don't keep asking yourself why, because whatever conclusion you come to accept will most likely be wrong anyway". So I won't ask why. I will ask how, and in what ways. This is the secret to living, and this will keep me young!
For the last part... this is what really exemplifies my feelings. May I do nothing usefully! May I not learn what the learn'd astronomer knows. May I not know why. May I not pick up a textbook. May I just sit and be lazy, and simply just think, and most importantly love. Another prominent thing I have learned is that human relationships are the apex of human experience and of happiness. The conclusion of Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild is "happiness is only real when shared". And what better conclusion when the purpose of God is to bring about our happiness. So by the world's standard's, e.e. cummings has failed because he hasn't done something usefully (just nothing usefully). But he still has awe, knows the secret to living, and pulls the sky (the beautiful, awe-inspiring, great gift of the sky), over him with in happiness. So he has fulfilled God's primary purpose.
This blog is just another way of saying I am tired of incessant schoolwork and requirements. I would rather do nothing usefully than fulfill requirements usefully. There are still ways to learn and be fulfilled, and live a happy life in your own channels. However, I am very grateful for my school. It is the best, and I have the best major I could have asked for. I think I am just getting burnt out. These are just some recent thoughts I've had as I struggle through my second-to-last semester, looking forward to summer and next to graduation with anticipation.
may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old
may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young
and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile
-e.e. cummings
So he pretty much summed up my thoughts/feelings that I've been having for a while. I want to be "open to little birds", because to hear them is better than to know. It is better than to enjoy the God-given blessings of such a beautiful world, and to wonder at the intracacies of life, than to fill my head with so many useless facts about why the world works the way it does. This reminds me of Walt Whitman's "When I heard the learn'd astronomer":
When I heard the learn'd astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was own the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tid and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.
And as cummings says, if men refuse to just listen than we are old. There is a need for mystery and awe in the world. I feel as if the desire to know truth simply leads us to both the discovery of brute fact, and frustration when the search proves fruitless. Why not accept the truth we have before us? Which is that life is a complex, confusing, and strangely beautiful mosaic of infinite truths? We might as well, because we can never really figure everything out. Mystery is an endless frontier, and it will prevail. The attempt to thwart its essence will only turn our hair gray.
I also always want to be learning, but about the things I am hungry for. Not necessarily to figure out why, but how. I want to walk in the channels of my own thoughts as I peruse them with a burning question; not sit as I am taught all that is necessary and right to learn. A prominent thing I have learned so far in life is that I don't really know much at all. And as I learn more that space will just expand (this I know). I am reminded of a dialogue with a certain friend, as we discussed a recent event: he told me "Don't keep asking yourself why, because whatever conclusion you come to accept will most likely be wrong anyway". So I won't ask why. I will ask how, and in what ways. This is the secret to living, and this will keep me young!
For the last part... this is what really exemplifies my feelings. May I do nothing usefully! May I not learn what the learn'd astronomer knows. May I not know why. May I not pick up a textbook. May I just sit and be lazy, and simply just think, and most importantly love. Another prominent thing I have learned is that human relationships are the apex of human experience and of happiness. The conclusion of Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild is "happiness is only real when shared". And what better conclusion when the purpose of God is to bring about our happiness. So by the world's standard's, e.e. cummings has failed because he hasn't done something usefully (just nothing usefully). But he still has awe, knows the secret to living, and pulls the sky (the beautiful, awe-inspiring, great gift of the sky), over him with in happiness. So he has fulfilled God's primary purpose.
This blog is just another way of saying I am tired of incessant schoolwork and requirements. I would rather do nothing usefully than fulfill requirements usefully. There are still ways to learn and be fulfilled, and live a happy life in your own channels. However, I am very grateful for my school. It is the best, and I have the best major I could have asked for. I think I am just getting burnt out. These are just some recent thoughts I've had as I struggle through my second-to-last semester, looking forward to summer and next to graduation with anticipation.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I Love You Best Friend!
A long long time ago, in the year of 2008, I met this kid:
I remember clearly the happy energy he carried around with him, and how nice he was to everybody! (I still can't walk with him on campus without him being attacked by his fan club).
In Fall of 2009, it became time for our friendship to blossom into a wonderful, beautiful, best friendship. I didn't think I was significant in his mind to get him to spend time with me, among all his other friends, but somehow I got in! We danced like crazy together at a Na Drua concert, and since then we have never... stopped... dancing!
We've had many more wonde
rful adventures together. Among some of the first were swimming out to an island in Kailua, conquering the crazy waves and ocean spray at Waimea Bay, and taking the plunge (off of Laie Point, that is).
rful adventures together. Among some of the first were swimming out to an island in Kailua, conquering the crazy waves and ocean spray at Waimea Bay, and taking the plunge (off of Laie Point, that is).Jimmy is an accomplished Accounting major/Canoe pusher at the PCC. He graduates sometime this year, and will starting up a plasma donation center in Idaho. He enjoys dancing like a crazy man, jumping off high cliffs, writing business plans, and listening to the band Fun. He has also recently taken up mechanics... what a man!
I am so grateful to have Jimmy as my best friend. He has had to deal with my hyper moods (especially in public), among many other things. He has always been there to make me feel special, to read my papers, to dance on tables, and to show me that he cares.
If anything, I want YOU to know Jimmy, how much I love you. These past few months have been roller coaster crazy, but I wouldn't have rather spent them with anybody but you.
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