Tuesday, February 16, 2010

may myself do nothing usefully

Perhaps the reason I love poems and books is because no matter how much I feel I am so uniquely strange, and that no one person can understand my complex feelings, I tend to find that some author, somewhere, has felt the same way. Anyhow, this is how I'm feeling.

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e. cummings

So he pretty much summed up my thoughts/feelings that I've been having for a while. I want to be "open to little birds", because to hear them is better than to know. It is better than to enjoy the God-given blessings of such a beautiful world, and to wonder at the intracacies of life, than to fill my head with so many useless facts about why the world works the way it does. This reminds me of Walt Whitman's "When I heard the learn'd astronomer":

When I heard the learn'd astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was own the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tid and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

And as cummings says, if men refuse to just listen than we are old. There is a need for mystery and awe in the world. I feel as if the desire to know truth simply leads us to both the discovery of brute fact, and frustration when the search proves fruitless. Why not accept the truth we have before us? Which is that life is a complex, confusing, and strangely beautiful mosaic of infinite truths? We might as well, because we can never really figure everything out. Mystery is an endless frontier, and it will prevail. The attempt to thwart its essence will only turn our hair gray.

I also always want to be learning, but about the things I am hungry for. Not necessarily to figure out why, but how. I want to walk in the channels of my own thoughts as I peruse them with a burning question; not sit as I am taught all that is necessary and right to learn. A prominent thing I have learned so far in life is that I don't really know much at all. And as I learn more that space will just expand (this I know). I am reminded of a dialogue with a certain friend, as we discussed a recent event: he told me "Don't keep asking yourself why, because whatever conclusion you come to accept will most likely be wrong anyway". So I won't ask why. I will ask how, and in what ways. This is the secret to living, and this will keep me young!

For the last part... this is what really exemplifies my feelings. May I do nothing usefully! May I not learn what the learn'd astronomer knows. May I not know why. May I not pick up a textbook. May I just sit and be lazy, and simply just think, and most importantly love. Another prominent thing I have learned is that human relationships are the apex of human experience and of happiness. The conclusion of Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild is "happiness is only real when shared". And what better conclusion when the purpose of God is to bring about our happiness. So by the world's standard's, e.e. cummings has failed because he hasn't done something usefully (just nothing usefully). But he still has awe, knows the secret to living, and pulls the sky (the beautiful, awe-inspiring, great gift of the sky), over him with in happiness. So he has fulfilled God's primary purpose.

This blog is just another way of saying I am tired of incessant schoolwork and requirements. I would rather do nothing usefully than fulfill requirements usefully. There are still ways to learn and be fulfilled, and live a happy life in your own channels. However, I am very grateful for my school. It is the best, and I have the best major I could have asked for. I think I am just getting burnt out. These are just some recent thoughts I've had as I struggle through my second-to-last semester, looking forward to summer and next to graduation with anticipation.

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