What's left to lose?

"What's left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail well then I fail but I gave it shot. These last three years, I know they've been hard. But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun... even if it's alone".

-On Your Porch by The Format

Sigh.

This happens every semester. But as the semesters keep coming, it is only getting worse.

It is such a terribly beautiful utilization of way too many of my emotions. I feel, all at once, the culmination of all that has happened, all I currently experience , and all that I know (and fear) will end.

I swear it is something about February! Fall semesters start out lonely, but given patience time brings me something so completely gratifying but yet so fragile... so much so I can not think about it without aching, because by now I know how my years work: it will break.

I am talking of nothing in particular, but just my general state of emotion. I am so happy. I come home to my clean condo with on the beach lighted with Christmas lights, and my roommates who I dance with like crazy on a regular basis. Every day I walk outside and feel the pacific sunshine. It is Winter and I am warm. This place is magic. Just the sound or sight of the ocean can calm me like nothing else can. I have a good job with co-workers I know and like. I go to a University I love with a major I swear was conferred upon me from the heavens (I love it). I still don't understand how I graduated, high school and instantly came to the most beautiful place in the world and got thrown into learning about things I love. It all seems too good to have been true. And mostly, I have the best friend in the entire world. Someone to adventure with, someone to fight and love with, someone to tell things to. I don't know why it is happening so soon, but I am already starting to feel the pain of it all ending.

Soon I'll leave this beautiful place and I won't learn from my favorite professors anymore. There will be no backyard ocean and mountain ranges, no more glowing blue plankton or jumping off the point. There will be no more crazy nights with these roomies of mine. And whats more sad and more imminent, my best friend will leave.

I can't freakin get this Third Eye Blind song out of my head: "How's it going to be when you don't know me? How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there? How's it going to be when there's no one there to talk to?"

Its too hard to think about. But yet this- all of this- I want it to end, whichever way it has to. School is so hard, and I don't know if I can take this cycle every year. These past few years contain some of the best and worst memories of my life.

So really now, what's left to lose? I've done enough. I'll finish these college years up and if I somehow fail, well, at least I gave them a shot. These past few years have been really hard, but now it's almost time to get out and get into the sun... even if it's alone.